Her cancer, their cancers

Tuesday evening, 10.30pm, Mr Hubby was still not back from dinner with his colleagues. So I put on my facial mask and slumped in front of the TV, a rare thing for me to do nowadays because Laetitia sleeps at 10pm and I would usually keep her company in bed.


I was channel surfing until I caught this documentary on Channel 8, and I was like, "Hey, don't tell me they are running a story on Shin!"


Shin, is a mom in her 40s as well as a cancer blogger I am following since Shandy and Molly, who had departed our world few months back.


Watching Shin's cancer journey and her fight to stay alive for her 3yr old and 5 yr old on TV was unbearable for me, as a mother. I felt her heart-wretchedness, knowing that she can't stay around long enough to watch her kids grow up and has the fear of leaving them any time but still she wants to make the most of it, creating happy memories for them, with her remaining days.


Then I thought, maybe my mom had felt the same with Shin, even though her kids are 29 and 32 instead of 3 and 5. I guess, in the eyes of all mothers, children will always be children regardless of how old we are. As much as I would like my mom to live and fight cancer bravely like how Shin is doing it for her kids, I also would want her to know we would be alright and respect her wish if she would one day tell us that she would prefer quality over quantity of her life.


I cried, soaked through my "already dried up" facial mask! When I removed my mask, I thought I looked WORST then before I had in on. Fuck to that!


Mr Hubby returned, unaware and totally not suspicious of anything.


It was midnight, he caught a glimpse of me in the bathroom, tonging my hair. He asked, "So late already still don't sleep?!!" "I can't sleep, I watched something very sad on the TV earlier." I answered nonchalantly, trying very hard to detach myself with emotions.


"Huh, what show?" He was curious.


"I don't wanna say, don't make me tell you and cry again." I deliberately avoided his eye contact and went back to tonging my hair meticulously.


I thought with my effort to indulge in the silly little activities like tonging my hair would for
1) Make me feel good
2) Put me into my bimbo-tic mode, and thus snap me out of this consuming melancholic mood
3) Relax my thoughts, so that I could sleep soon
4) If all else failed. Hey, I still have pretty hair to go to work tomorrow.





After 15-20 mins, I was done with my hair. Not the prettiest, but it would do. I crawled into bed where Mr Hubby had already planted himself in. I tossed like a disturbed prata. Finally, I hugged my pillow and bawled like nobody's business. Mr Hubby just stroked me by my arms gingerly, it was like he had expected that I would somehow just lost it and break down.


The next day, I did have a good hair day, but it just didn't go very well with my pair of swollen eyes!

Well, if I can't handle stuff like that, I would have to go into "rehab" and to restrain myself from visiting those cancer blogs. "It's through them I find strength not weakiness." I repeatedly told myself.

SHIT!! I hate to be weak!

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Doctor or Salesman?

I woke up this morning, my head was woozy and my body ached like as if I was ran over by a fucking truck last night! Throat was also scratchy and dry; I think I need a doctor.

So I went to a clinic nearby. The doctor asked me the usual question, "How are you feeling today?" And I gave him the usual reply, "Headache, body ache and sore throat, I think I might be coming down with a flu or something."

After 5min of the standard operating procedure practiced by every doctor, he prescribed me with pain-killers, gastric medicine to go with the pain-killers, a course of antibiotics, lozenges and some anti-swelling medicine for my throat. I thought he was done, I was about to leave when he pointed out my freckles! Yes! He actually used his finger and point directly on my face and asked me if I am doing anything to get rid of them. And then he went on to talk about sun-protection and whitening products, blah, blah, blah...

I told him my freckles are genetic, I had them while I was young, furthermore I am using SK-II at the moment. To my astonishment, he, as a medical professional, actually put down the brand I am using, saying that over-the-counter products like SK-II is expensive but do not really work. If I wanted to see results I should start consider using his products instead. He even said that he has a bottle of moisturiser that works better than La Mer and yet cost only a quarter of the price of La Mer.

He was eager to push me a Retin-A cream. I told him I had used that before but it was more to treat pimples and my skin was very sensitive and had felt uncomfortably tight after using it. And I also told him about using hydroquinone, a prescribed drug used for treating freckles but I didn't see any results even after 4 weeks of continuous usage.

He kept telling me his Retin-A is different and would work for my freckles. I felt as if I am not sitting in a doctor's office, I felt I was trapped in a low-class and pushy beauty parlour! The doctor didn't even bother to explain to me how pigmentation are formed and/or how Retin-A would benefit me. Perhaps he might not even be equipped with knowledge like that. Little did the doctor knew I am a trainer for skin and I know just as much as him, if not more!! And whitening has always being my favorite subject!

Retin-A only exfoliates and have not control over melanocytes which produce melanin that gave me the freckled look. In fact, some skin could have a chance of getting irritated and in turn stimulated melanocytes to produce even more melanin. Anyway I took the Retin-A, because I felt obliged to, after such a long "consultation". I wouldn't use it for my freckles though, but I could use it occasionally for breakouts since my regular pimple cream is running out soon.

You know what? His so-called special Retin-A is just an ordinary, generic Retin-A, nothing special at all. And he didn't check if I am using any salicylic acid products or was I on any medication that contain Vit. A. (It's a 'yes' for both, in my case) He could have advise me of the potential harm if I messed up the dosage, he didn't because he was only interested to close the sale on me.

What's up with all the GPs? Just because they spent a year doing a dip in dermatology, they are calling themselves a derm! Or worst, some GP even go full-scale on aesthetics, offering laser, microdermabrasion, chemical peel etc to their patients. Yes, beauty is a lucrative business to venture in but as a doctor, I think ethic is still a very important aspect of this profession!

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This was me (no foundation), before I got pregnant. Notice the freckles was there but lighter.

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This is me now (also no foundation). Overall, I have become more tanned, probably due to all the swimming sessions with Laetitia.

I must admit I used to be very diligent when coming to applying skincare, day & night. Now (after being a mom) I super lazy and busy, only wash my face when I shower. And I usually only shower in the evening if I don't have to get out of the house.

Ok, I know "世上没有丑女人，只有懒女人!"

Alright! With that, I shall resume my faithful skincare regimen from today... erm maybe tomorrow, today sick lah.

The Invader!

Looking through my past few entries I realized that Laetitia is taking over my explicit world!!

It has been like Laetitia, Laetitia and more Laetitia!!

"Laetitia, you getta out of here! Go back to your own blog ok! This is your Mommy's personal space!"