Beneath the facade, I am the wings of the dragonfly.

I asked myself repeatedly if I have been doing a good job in masking my emotions because nobody will be expecting me to feel blue, especially in this season of festivities.

There shouldn’t be any reason that is seemingly valid for me to be depressive. I have a picture perfect family, with a loving husband and a wonderful baby girl. I am the pillar of strength for my mother; it is through me that she sees the optimism of her cancer. I have a great career ahead of me, doing what I like.

I have nothing to worry about; I am always positive, I am strong, I am protective, I am always here to be counted on.

I am patient. I am understanding. I am forgiving. I am impartial.




But for now, I am just crumbling.

I am tired.

I feel sick.

I need to be understood, to be forgiven, to be protected, to be supported, to be told that I don’t have to take on the world to be loved.

No maid again

I am without maid again. Not a situation that I would like to be in but if you were me (a mother), you probably might have done the same.

My relationship with this second maid wasn't good, unlike my first maid, because this maid is highly incompetent, always make the same mistakes and had not shown much improvement even when we corrected her. She would also leave my MIL's home without asking for permission. And she would bring my baby downstairs to talk to other maids. On one occasion, my MIL's neighbor saw her continue to chit chat with another maid despite my baby crying. She had made no effort to cut short her conversation so she can return home with my baby. It infuriated the neighbor so much, she went up and complaint about my maid to my MIL.

There were just tons of other horror stories about her that it will takes me many days to completely list them down.

Well, today was the final straw. She was supposed to give my baby a bathe and I saw her sitting on the toilet bowl's lid, daydreaming away while my baby was alone in the tub which was at least 1 metre away! I confronted her and chided her for leaving my baby in the tub. She argued back, saying that by sitting on the toilet bowl watching my baby was good enough. I was furious! What the fuck! What if my baby fell and knocked her head? Anybody with some brains would know that by using that fucking pair of eyes to watch can never intercept a fall.

I told her to get out of the toilet while I personally went in to retrieve my baby from the tub. She stormed into her room and cried very loudly, machiam someone died! I went to her room to get my baby's diaper and clothes, she glared at me, totally tu lan lor. So I told her, "If you don't want to work, you tell me." Then she screamed at me,"Ya! Send me back to the agency now."

I replied, "OK." And within the next 60 mins, she was out of my house, out of our lives.

I might be irrational. I might be impulsive. My impetuousness might even seems nonsensical. But I just cannot bring myself to ask her to stay when she was indeed negligent when bathing my baby, and had argued back when I corrected her. She even hollered at me that she wanna quit.

Still I could have just tolerated her and even begged her to stay when she yelled that she wanted to go back to the agency, just so that I wouldn't be caught in the situation I am in now - having nobody to look after my baby when CNY holidays are over and tension at home.

I don't know who is more depressed? She, who lost her 3rd employer in a roll? Or me, who lost a lot more than just another maid.

Tomorrow

As much as I wanted tomorrow to come quickly, I am also feeling dreadful about tomorrow. Why the dilemma, you might ask.

Tomorrow is the day when my Laetitia is coming home. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her! I miss my baby so much!

Tomorrow will also be the day when I have to accompany my mom to meet her oncologist. She wants me to be there to explain to her about her condition because she felt that my brother had conspired with her doctor and omitted details of her condition. And she knew that she can count on me to tell the truth because I am usually very blunt.

On one hand, I really believe that she has every right to know about her own cancer. But I am unsure if she can deal with the truth. Of course the easy way out is to lie about her condition by telling her that she don't have to worry a thing about it.

I don't feel good lying to someone who has her days numbered. But how to say it to her face when her oncologist says that she has 5 more years, at max? If she knew that she only has this much time left, her pessimism is enough to kill her faster than her own cancer cells.

Truth or lie?

Well, tomorrow we will know.

I am single again!

Yes, that's what I am... at least for the next 4 days. With Laetitia at my in-law's place and Mr Hubby away on business trip, I am a swinging bachelorette , for the moment!

So today, I took my own sweet time to do my work because I am so gonna stay back late in the office anyway. When I got home, I ate junks and drank beers for dinner. I lazed around everywhere; the best thing was I don't have to remove my makeup or shower before collapses on my bed. With nobody for me to coax to sleep, I can surf net, watch TV or do whatever I fancy. And boy, am I living the life I had when I was single and staying alone at my own apartment, some couple of years back.

Then strangely, just as I thought I would be enjoying myself, a sense of emptiness engulfed me as I past by the vacant study room and nursery. It quickly dawned upon me that I AM ALL ALONE BY MYSELF WITH NO ONE HERE FOR ME TO LOVE OR CUDDLE!

I am actually missing the frantic madness of being a working mom and wife to Laetitia and Mr Hubby! It's agonising to know that today is only the beginning of my freaking solitary.

Oh fuck! Is there anyone who wants to date me??

Stay or Go

I saw this from somewhere "一個人很空虛，兩個人太委屈".

In English, it means "When you are alone, you feel empty. But when you are with him/her, both of you suffered grievously."

Sometimes, you might come to a crossroad for love, when it calls for you to make a choice. To stay and continue to make each other's life miserable, but at the very least you have a "somebody" or to pack up and go, leaving all the unhappiness behind and dive into the uncertainties ahead of you?

I had in the past, tried staying for one and leaving for the other and my verdict was - It's wiser to leave... than to be left!

Of course, staying has its advantage, because who knows, your problem might be resolved, your partner might 'turn over a new leaf', your endurance might pay off and the two of you might love each other forever.

But personally, I would still favor the choice of leaving. Life is just too short to live each day blaming your partner.

Chopped!

This was me, with very long, sexy, loose curls. I like my hair in that way; it made me feel really vixenish yet girlish!

With hair like this, made me almost wanted to sing out loud:

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me"

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me"

"Don't cha Don't cha....."

And like most 'hiao' women, I wanted a new look for CNY, so I walked into Monsoon Hair House at Novena Square, one evening when Mr Hubby was stuck in his office with work.

I didn't really know what I wanted, but I do know that my hair was in a bad shape. And I am not going to do my CNY visiting with hair looking like some dried hay. So I asked for the stylist's suggestion and he recommended that I cut off the damaged hair and adopt a new look, instead of trying to re-perm them which might cause the hair to be more brittle.

I pondered for quite a while, before giving in. I had to chop off more than 15cm of my hair which is beyond redemption. And to achieve a new look, I had my curls straightened and my fringe trimmed to a new length.

The final product was straight, black hair at shoulder length, with wispy bangs

Now I look from deviant to studious, but no where near foxy anymore.

Guess, Pussy Cat Dolls won't work for me anymore, I think I need a new song.

Unconditional Love

Ok, this entry maybe be offensive to some people, so if you are the sensitive type, perhaps you should stop reading... or better still, you should just refrain yourself from visiting "my explicit world"! Because this controversial place is simply unfit for some.



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If you are still reading, you should be able to take what is known as "MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION" and it has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone or anything, for that matters.

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I, for one, had never believe and still refuse to believe that "unconditional love" can exist between 2 physically able, psychologically sound, sexually active persons who live in the civilization of our cosmopolitan city.


When it comes to love between 2 non-platonic homo sapiens of the opposite sex, there bound to be some kind of conditions involved, so that "love", itself can be sustained. The conditions are not to be something written down in black and white like that of some pre-nuptial contract or like a list of 'must-have' criteria, but still, we will only love under certain reasonable conditions.


No matter how emotional we might seem, there is a side of us that is cognitive. Because of this, we are able to condition the way we love our partners however subjectively it might be. When we say things like "I love him because he has done so much for me." or "I love her because she is so caring", these already are examples of conditions to love.


Let's just put it in this way. Would you still love your partner if the person do things to hurt you on a daily basis? Or would you still love him/her if the person screams at you everyday, ignores you all the time, spits food at your face, chains you up, tries to abandon you, spend all your money on drinks and not give you a dime, etc? I bet you wouldn't. If you still would, you better go book an appointment with a shrink before you become Glenn Close of Fatal Attraction! In short, you must be SICK!


But, of course, there is unconditional love, it is just not happening between a man and a woman. I see it a lot, with parents and their children. Even if the child is deformed, sick or just different, the parents would not deny the child of love.


Dogs and their owners are equally amazing. Dogs love their owners, regardless of the man being a pauper or a millionaire, regardless how much or how little love is being reciprocated by the owners; the dogs only know how to love without pride nor prejudice.


For now, my love for my baby is profoundly unconditional. I get screamed at by her frequently. She spat food, but missed my face. She "tortured" me for her own amusement. But I swear I will give my life for her.


On the other hand, my dog, Oki, loves me unconditionally too. He gets chained up nightly (because he peed EVERYWHERE when all goes to sleep). He knew that I had fallen in love with somebody else because I ignores him whenever he tries to get my attention with his desperate tactics. And I even had thoughts (in the past) to give him away. But I am sure, if given a choice, he will give his life to have me love him like before.

Ya! Unconditional love is not the prettiest thing, most of the time!

Resolution 2009

Before 2007, I never had any New Year resolutions because I didn't believe that I have the will to do anything. But that was the old me. I reckon that writing a list of resolutions that is as long as the toilet roll that you use for wiping your ass, will only end up in the toilet bowl. The key to success is to just focus on ONE goddamn "mission impossible" type of task and give yourself one full year as timeline to turn it possible.



In 2007, I wrote that I wanted to quit smoking. I had already been smoking for 13 years then; nobody, including myself, would believe that I was serious about quitting it. But I did it, although it wasn't easy. After 2 months of sneaking and hiding just to puff cigs, I went cold turkey and had the habit kicked on its butt! I am still smoke-free after 22 months.



In 2008, after giving birth to Laetitia, I was 14 kg heavier! Without a doubt, that year's resolution was to shed off all those additional pounds and to return to my pre-natal weight. Miraculously, I achieved that too! I can now wear ALL my pre-natal clothes, including jeans!



So 2009... what's my resolution?



Are you ready to see it?

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I want to learn DRIVING and get my hands on a driver's license before the year end! Then I can ferry Mr Hubby to the airport when he goes on business trips and then drive Laetitia and myself to places we wanna go without taking a cab or relying on others.


BEWARE! The blur queen who once thought the speed camera was an abandoned refrigerator and mistook the shadows of lamp post as pedestrian would be taking the road any time in 2009!



But at the very least, I am very familiar with Singapore's roads; in fact, I am almost a walking street-directory. Ask those drivers who had called me frantically to ask to help when they were lost.



Ok, to get license... what must I do first? Highway code? Find a driving centre? Or what?



Shit! Look's like this year's resolution is gonna be so much more challenging for me!