Happyness

I always had people coming up to me saying that I look/seem/am happier now then I was when they compare me to my past. They would quickly assume that my life is now easier, have more love or money or maybe both.

Some had asked me how I do it. Seriously, I don't know. Don't get me mistaken. Not that I am unwilling to share; if there is even a secret recipe to happiness.

Truth is... I am not even sure what exactly is happiness. Is it how I look on the exterior. All smiles and laughter?! Then it would be easy; my tips is: just have many 'happy face' masks to interchange.

In the past, I had always thought of happiness like as if it was my final destination. Everybody gotta find their right route to reach to it somehow or another.

Then later, I read that happiness is a journey. A state of mind. A choice. A decision. A feeling. An over-rated feeling.... They all sounded quite philosophical. So when people ask, I tell them about happiness as of what I read, not what I thought it would be.

Deep down, happiness to me is a mission; complete with or without my personal emotions. It is my duty to bring her up, truly understanding the real meaning of the word "HAPPYNESS", which should be nothing more than PURELY BEING HAPPY. I wanted it to be just that simple for her.

And I know that will be my utmost happyness too, if I would to live long enough to see her achieve that.

"I would love for you to be nothing else apart from being healthy and truly happy."

If only you know today is your last day...

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Someone I came to know through Mr Hubby had past on in her sleep at the age of 33. Her sudden departure shocked and saddened many people who know her.

I recalled my last meeting with her was during her baby's first month celebration, some months back. And her parting words that day were, "Sorry, didn't have time to talk to you guys, will arrange to catch up again after this ok."

Sadly, the meet up did not happen and she was cremated this morning.

Despite our brief encounter, her leaving was hard for me to come to terms. It is like a waking call for me; to live everyday with gratitude, to show love to the people who love us, to forgive those petty mistakes, to enjoy each passing moment as though it is our last.

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Hours ago, I ate dinner alone at the mall near my home. I saw a mother with her 2 pre-schooling children. The younger toddler was asking her for money to the kiddy ride. The mother, for whatever reason, refused. The kid got into a terrible meltdown and his slightly older sister was badly affected and started to weep softly. On seeing this, the father gave in and handed over a coin, and that cheered the toddler up immediately. Their mother continued to sulk.

During the ride, the toddler reached out his hand to hold his mother's, only to have to the mother shaked off his tiny hand and retorted childishly, "Don't touch me." Then the irritated mother walked over to the older sister, threw her a dirty glare and told her crudely, "And you, stop giving me your black face, you all got what you want already ok!"

Tears streamed down the little girl's face. The mother turned her face away.

I thought of my demised friend.... This mother has just no idea how much my friend would be willing to do just to be able to watch her baby grow up, into a child whose face would lit up on that kiddy ride.

I put down my burger. I had lost my appetite.

If today is the last day for that mother, is that what she wants her children to remember her for? Mean? Cold? And unforgiving?

Does it really need a sudden death to happen before we start to learn?

I am climbing out

I know this is life; filled with ups and downs. But at times I would allow myself to be sucked into a negative spiral and sink deep into a ugly mess of self-induced misery.

While I was submerged in the waist-deep shit of own sorrow, I attended 3.5 day of training on 7 Habits of the Highly Effective People. It was a refreshing change for me, for once, I became the trainee, not the trainer.

Having already read the book, I went to the training, not expecting to know anything new, but what awaits me was a big surprise.

At the end of the training, I realized I seriously suck BIG TIME at being emphatic, I have poor listening skill and I almost ALWAYS forming perceptions and judgement despite trying very hard to stay unbiased. The whole paradigm shift thing whacked me with a bang.

It dawns upon me that I am so WRONG to think that I was right all along.

I wanted to go apologize, to undone the mistakes I had made onto him, her, to myself and maybe even you, who is reading this now....

But give me time, I need to gather myself together once more. Well, at least, you got to allow me to climb out of this abyss before I can get there.

Alright.. alright.. I am getting my butt moving already!

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Suffocated

Last night I had an asthmatic attack; it had been a while since my last. Because of the lapse, I had taken it for granted that I was healthier than before and I couldn't care less that I had misplaced my Ventolin inhaler.

Initially, I thought I might have it beside my bed because that was where I used to keep it when I had more frequent attacks in the past. Then I remembered, I had shifted it out and into one of my drawers after moving house.

My chest was getting tighter as I scurried from my room to another, having totally no idea where to start looking. Then tears came gushing down, making it even harder to breathe. I pushed open the windows, sucked in as much oxygen as I tried but the air felt so much thinner than I thought. I was getting suffocated; it was as though someone was sitting on my chest!

I wasn’t sure if it was my tears or otherwise, I had a short moment when it felt as if I was drowning in water. I had this crushing pressure, up in my head; I felt woozy. I couldn't stand up nor could I find my voice. I sat on the floor with my back on the wall, armed with a Vicks Vapor Rub; I desperate rubbed the content onto my head, my throat, my chest and even my nose. It burnt but I did felt better.

I gave up the search for my missing inhaler and returned back to bed, exhausted with the fight for breathe. I smeared more Vicks on myself and tried breathing into it.

It must have taken over an hour or so, before I was finally able to lay back down on the bed without having to gasp for air. If I had that inhaler, all that could have been over in 15mins or less.

I slept for 3 hours or so, but it felt like a long time.

It took me some time to get out of bed; the compressed feeling in my chest slowed me down. I paused periodically to take long sigh.

I went to the doctor; he told me my lungs are clear.

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Maybe I did not have an asthmatic attack.

Maybe it wasn’t the lack of oxygen that suffocates me.

Maybe I had imagined all these.

Maybe it was all a bad dream and I will be able to wake up from it soon.

Am I A Mother?

It's my second Mother's Day as a mother and I realised I am beginning to dread this day after how my first Mother's Day was spent.

The first person to wish me "Happy Mother's Day" was my maid, Endah. The second person was a good friend of mine, who is also a mother herself; she text a SMS to wish me and all mothers "Happy Mother's Day". Third and final came from my best friend who called me on the phone to send me her wishing before calling her own mother.

If not for these three person, I won't have realised that I am also a part of Mother's Day. Thank you.

Sadly, I didn't hear those 3 words from the two most important person, as my role of mother. Perhaps next year, when Laetitia learns those words, I will feel less despondent during this special day created for mothers. All mothers.

My Melancholia

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It sucks to be upset.

So I fed myself with lots of Mc Flurry Strawberry Shortcake!

Strange, Mc Flurry didn't quite help this time.....

So I chopped inches off my damaged hair.

Do I feel better now?

Let's just say.... If ice-cream and hair-cut can save the day, wouldn't our world be a fucking WONDERLAND ?!

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