Bad Mom

Like most mothers, who started out pure and simple, we just want to be the best mom for our child/ children. You had probably tried to read countless books and articles that you could get your hands on, and had lots of advice on how to raise your children. At the beginning, you were convinced that you're never going down that lane, becoming who your own mother used to be. You are going to be different. To be better.

Believe me, I was once all that too. Then, in a few years’ time, reality served.

Too many moments, I found myself doing things that I am too ashamed to admit or raising my voice, saying THE MOST awful things that any good mothers would disapprove of.

“Shut up and do it because I am your mother!” “Stop it or I will make you regrets this.”

It was as if I was this third party, seeing this terrible parent who couldn’t control herself whenever she was being challenged. I rolled my eyes at myself and got insanely livid and disgusted for being me.

At times, my urge to control or just to make a stupid point pushes me back into being a juvenile. Perhaps, I am desperate to put my child in the role of an adult. And for what? To compensate my desire to have made all the wrong things right? Or am I trying to avoid confronting my improbable fear as my children approach the age when I lost that only chance to grow up in a proper family. I don’t know and it frustrates me even further.

I find it especially hard to analyze battles nowadays; which are the ones to fight, and which are the ones to walk away from. And I just take them all up. Gone were the days when it was just discipline, now being in control is often just the beginning of the path that propels me to issue more threats, let out more screams, and dish out more punishments. These have been emotionally crippling me. Regardless of winning or losing the battles, it made me feel like a complete failure, because I know very well that I had absolutely crossed that line. I had morbidly transformed into the bad mom that I swore I would never become.

I really don’t need someone to point that out to me because I know it better. And you have no idea how much that guilt is killing me.

Maybe I shouldn't be too bothered if my children are healthy, well-behaved or if they will perform well in school. Or worry if they will grow up righteous and successful. Perhaps I should simply conform, be like the millions of moms out there; just throw my kids some damn Ipad or gadgets and just get on with life, the easier way out. Or had I just leave my kids to my helper or let myself to heard from time to time, I might have prevented all these menaces. I don't know what's right any more. My intent which started out looking quite noble had took on such an ugly turn.

Being nine months pregnant and giving birth to my children don’t automatically grant me the know-how to be someone’s mom. And more so, when the balance of being firm and overbearing becomes blurred with the juggling of multiple roles that I wasn’t trained or prepared myself for. And I definitely didn't have the mommy’s qualities bestowed upon me when my children came along. The more I tried to be perfect, the more I struggled.

You probably think that I am looking for excuses for being who I have become, but you are not me, you have not walked a mile in my shoes.

So, I hugged my daughter who was lying stiffly in her bed. I cried and I apologized for screwing our life up. There was some hesitance it was almost like she was contemplating my motives because I always get mad when I find them not sleeping. Then suddenly, she threw her arms around me and sobbed, saying, “It’s OK, Mommy. It’s OK, really. I still love you…”

And this bad mom was forgiven. The uncompromising love, innocence and the magnanimousness of a child that will put any grown-up to shame.

The hardest job in the world

My first-born has just celebrated her 5th birthday today. Wooooohhh, I survive being a mom for FIVE YEARS already? It's almost unbelievable, how I could last this long and still look forward to an even long 'career' in this world's toughest job - being a Mom.

Before my double Ls came along, I had always imagined myself to be a fashionista mom, looking immaculate and stunning; even if it was a trip to the supermarket, I would doll myself up and put my kids in their best clothes. We would be smiley and happy all day, all night; envious moms would wish silently that they look like me and curse that I would fall to my death wearing those killer heels as I sashay passed them.

Reality is..  I am a manic mother to two very challenging, over-active kids who bounces off furniture and wiggle like some squeamish worms. I am hardly with makeup over the weekends, my hair is in a constant mess, my permanent outfit is a pair of denim shorts and T. My daughter would want to wear that same dress for a thousand and one times, my son would insist on wearing the most mismatched top or risk listening to his high-pitch, high-octane whining.

I had envision myself to be the most loving mother, patient, gentle and kind. But now, I am just a screaming machines to my kids who pretended to be deaf around me. As a result, I would get a sore throat or lose my voice once every other month.

Nevertheless, being mommy to my double Ls has been the best thing that had ever happened to me. Happy birthday, my angel, I love you forever.

PS: This P&G commercial never fail to bring tears to my eyes no matter how many times I view it.

Grown Up

My daughter, Laetitia, will be turning five next month. I always look upon her as a sensible and independent child, for someone her age.

So comes a chance for me to find out if she is really as sensible and as independent as I thought she will be. Earlier, Laetitia and I were making our way to her ballet class, which is situated about 8-10 minutes walk from our condo.

Just shortly after we crossed the road to the opposite side of the street from our house, I asked if she would like to try going to the ballet school on her own and I will pick her up when her class ends. To my surprise, she said "OK. Bye, see you later!" And she picked up her pace and quickly overtook me. 

I walked behind her and reminded her to watch out for cars near the car-park entrance to the mall as she quicken her footsteps as though she was trying to shake me off. She was skipping more than 5 metres ahead of me when she turned around, and asked me, "Mommy, why you following me? Where are you going?"

"I am not following you, I am heading for the mall." I lied.

I saw her zipped through the busy mall, cutting across it to get to the next building. While all this time, I crept behind her, hiding behind pillars, ducking my way through the crowd to get ahead of her so that I can conceal myself to 'spy' on her. I can't help it, I can't say that I was prepared for this. Well, I am entitled to worry, you know.

She walked confidently, crossed the road with caution, waited for the lift among strangers and she reached her class safe and sound, all the while unaware I was watching her from afar.

I bought ang ku kueh, one of her favourite snack and waited patiently for her class to end. She was the first to charge out from her class. I hugged her and told her I was so proud of her for making her own way to class today. She smiled and told me she want to go to ballet class on her own again next week.

At that instance, I felt joy, intertwined with a tinge of sorrow, it was almost like I could taste how a mother would feel seeing her own daughter in wedding gown, marching down the aisle. That kind of pride mixed with a sense of loss. 

OMG! My daughter has grown up!

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She turns four

Yesterday was my daughter, Laetitia's 4th birthday. I almost didn't believe I actually had her for four years already. It sure feels as though I had just brought her home from the hospital not too long ago.

From the foetus that I would often see in the ultrasound scanning to the first time I saw her, out of my womb, looking like a toy doll covered in creams and ketchup, till now, looking more and more like a mini lady; I am so blessed to have her.

Happy birthday, my angel.

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It's good to have 2

I never wanted to have a second baby after Laetitia, because I am not too into kids but I do love my own very much.

Plus, I was afraid that having two children would mean lots more chaos at home, which turned out that I am right. My home always looks like a battlefield, with dead soldiers toys and books littered all over the place every evening!

And did I forget to mention the constant squabbles and fights, which actually aren't as bad as having them both down with flu or any nasty viruses of sort. I have already forgotten how it feels like to have a day goes by without hearing someone cry.

If I can start all over again, would I still choose to have two?

You bet, I will.

Why?

Because of this:

The love they have for each other. Priceless

Go Green

I am not the greenest person by nature. I try to refuse a plastic bag if I really don't need one but I don't bring along a recyclable bag to my grocery shopping. I would drop my can into the recycle bin whenever I consume Coke Zero from my office but I threw away countless numbers of Coke Zero's PET bottles down the chute when I am at home. I tried to remember to switch off lights whenever I am not in the area but I need my air-con every night. Yes, even rainy nights.

Probably some iceberg in the Antarctic is melting away because of me; I do feel a tinge of guilt from time to time.

So last Sunday, we (Mr Hubby suggested and I just went along) left our two cars parked at home and took the kids with us on public transport. There is always first time for everything.

We travelled by train to Holland Village for dinner. The kids were over the moon because don't all kids have a strange obsession with trains?! But the best part wasn't until we made our way home.

Laetitia, our nearly 4 year old, had been begging us to take her on a double-decker bus ride like forever. So we decided to take a slight detour by taking Bus #7 from Holland Village to Clementi and then continue our journey home from there, taking the train.

She was ecstatic. The other passengers on the bus must be thinking we were some alien from outer space, for we were taking pictures of our kids like nobody's business while they were going "Woww!! Look! Mommy! Whoooaa!"

We made it home safely. And surprisingly, it had been an enjoyable trip, not just for the kids but we love just as much too.

Do your part. Go Green whenever possible.

My Pretty Boy

花美男 - loosely translated as 'flowery pretty boy', are men who are gorgeous, sexy, not macho but beautiful. They are such a hit in countries like Japan, Korea and Taiwan.

Pictures taken from Yutakis 

This is my own pretty boy, Leonitus. I have not seen any Chinese baby boy with lashes longer and curlier than his. His peaches and cream colored skin tone and his rosebud lips are the envious of all women. At the tender age of 16 mths, he is already a lady-magnet.

But I am really not keen to see my boy grow up into this metrosexual guy who buy more clothes or has more cosmetic procedures than his own mother. Maybe I should really stop putting flowers on his head and buy him a toy AK-47 instead.



Unsettled

One day before I am due for travel and I have, not one, but two sick children. Plus more bad news from the kids' paediatrician - Laetitia has to "upgrade" from the normal Ventolin to a steroid-based inhaler. *shake head.

Makes me feel so bad to be away from home and away from them for the next three days. This sucks!

Parenthood... it is filled with too much surprises awaiting you and me. Too much.

Having a Daughter

I always imagine the best thing about having a daughter is that you can go shopping with her, try on nice stuff and then camwhore together!



In reality, camwhoring to Laetitia means taking ugly pictures with funny expressions. The uglier, the better.


But still, it was fun hanging out at the mall with my daughter.

Daddy's Little Girl

We celebrated Mr Hubby's birthday a week ago and I have just the most heart-warming and funny little story to share about our 3 year old girl, Laetitia.

When we returned from our short, but very romantic getaway, there was a memorable present waiting at home for Mr Hubby. My mom who came over to babysit our two children while we were away brought Laetitia to the supermarket that morning. She asked if Laetitia would like to buy her father a present since it was his birthday. Laetitia nodded away in delighted.

My mom told her that she could choose anything and my mom would pay it for her. She brought my mom to the aisle where the beers are displayed.  So here is their conversation (as according to my mom).


Laetitia: I want to buy beer because Daddy likes to drink beer.
My Mom: Ok. Popo buys for you ok? (Randomly grab a 6-pack bundle.)
Laetitia: No! Not so many.
My Mom: (Puzzled) Huh??? Why?
Laetitia: Daddy coughs. Cannot drink a lot. One enough. (Took a can of Chang beer from the rack.)


My mom told me her heart almost melted hearing those words from Laetitia. Our little girl really knows her father very well.

She also ask to buy some balloons. When they came home and my mom helped with the gift-wrapping and Laetitia picked a red heart-shaped balloon to go with her Daddy's present.

She is truly her Daddy's perfect little angel and I can't be more proud of her.

Just one of those funny moments

The Twins from Matrix Reloaded VS Leonitus from The Ng Household.

   

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

 

 

 

What type of babies do you have?

If you had read the book The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg, you would be familiar with the term:
'Angel', 'Textbook', 'Touchy', 'Spirited' and 'Grumpy'; 5 types of babies personalities that can be observed from the first few weeks of their birth.

Laetitia is quite clearly a 'Spirited Baby'; she is loud and dramatic and is not afraid to let you know her thoughts and feelings. Her persistence is rock solid, when she made up her mind, it will take a troop of a thousand soldiers to shift her. She is easily distracted and notice everything that goes on around her. Regularity and routine with her meals and sleeping habits are necessary to provide her with some certainty that calms and soothe her. Her high energy can be easily mistaken for some hyperactivity disorder.

When she is happy, she laughs and she laughs LOUDLY. When she is sad, she cries and she howls,; it can be such a pitiful sight. When she is angry, she screams, she shouts and she might rolls on the ground - in public too!

She has a personality that draws people to notice her and in case no one notice her, you can trust her to come up with something that will certain attracts your attention.

Sometimes she makes us laugh, sometimes she makes us cry, sometimes she makes me so mad, I wanted to strangle her. She never fail to push our buttons or drive us up the wall.

In short, Laetitia IS a handful! But that, and everything that makes her who she is, are what we love about her!




On the other hand, Leonitus is a hybrid; he is 40% 'Angel' and a 60% 'Textbook' Baby. When compared to Laetitia, Leonitus comes across as a gift from above. He sleeps through the night at 4th month, rarely cries the type of cries that leave us baffled. He is predictable and takes to routine very well. He feeds well, eats well, sleep well, like clockwork.

He likes to be carried but is fine if he has to play by himself, however he would be chewing off the corners of a furniture or pages off a magazine if left unattended for more than a minute.

He is cheery and smiles at almost anybody who plays with him. When I "loan" him to my friends or colleague, he is usually calm and seems at ease even when the faces around him are unfamilar.

Everyone tells me he is the epitome of a perfect baby for a first-timer new mom. But I beg to differ. I am grateful for the fact that I had the little spit-fire, Laetitia, before Leonitus because if I had it the other way round, I probably hates everything about my 'Spirited Baby', and not learnt to appreciate both my children for who they are, regardless of their temperaments or predispositions.




If you are wishing for a baby to be like Leonitus, who seems like such a doll and doesn't cry much. You are going to be so disapoointed. Even being the easier baby among the two, Leonitus does has his moods too. He shows his displeasure and give us his fair share of terrorizing too!




Parting words:

Never say to your children "Can't you be more like your sibling." because THEY NOT THE SAME & CAN NEVER BE! Loving and accepting them for who they truly are, is the fastest way to help your children build high self-esteem and to grow up as resilient teens that could make you proud somedays.

Find out your baby's type with this webpage.

Almost as good as Da Vinci

Last week, Mr Hubby brought Laetitia to the mall and they came home with a new set of water colors. Laetitia was all excited and kept talking about painting and even went to sleep with those water colors placed right beside her.

I was apprehensive, because the last round when I tried to let her do some finger-painting, I almost had to repaint my walls. So I kept putting her plan to paint with her new set of colors off.

Every weekend, I would get to sleep in, while the kids, who wake up the same timing everyday, would to care for by my helper.

When I woke up, my helper showed me this nicely colored piece of drawing. I was very surprised when my helper told me the coloring with done by Laetitia. And it impressed me even more when she said that Laetitia had done it by herself, without help from anyone.

WOW!! It was almost like seeing Da Vinci's Mona Lisa right in front of my eyes! I couldn't believe it!



Sometimes, it takes a little bit more faith with our little ones in order to bring out their true talents. A lesson learnt!

6th sense or a wicked sense of humor?

There was a time when I was slight worried because it seemed like all the kids around Laetitia's age were all starting to talk at 12-15mths, all except Laetitia.

When Laetitia turned 2, it was almost like magic, she started picking up lots of words and before I know it, she was rattling non-stop like a machine gun and sometimes she can go on and on and on for hours talking like there's no tomorrow!

I enjoy having a conversation with her because she always says the darnedest things and she makes me laugh off all the stress which I had accumulated trying to balance work and life. But sometimes, I wonder if she really know what she is talking about.

One evening, I was exasperated trying to comb her hair before bring her out for a walk for she was jumping up and down like a monkey. So I said, "Laetitia, comb your hair! You are not going out like that. Hair so messy, look like a ghost!"

Instantly, she froze and showed me a ghastly face, which look like this :s

She repeated my last word, "GHOST!"

I nodded, "Yes. Ghost. Have you seen one before?"

"YES." She replied with so much certainty, I almost jumped out of my skin.

"Where?" I prayed that she was not going to tell me something like in my room or beside me.

"In Ah Gong's house." came her answer.

I was relieved, at least our home is safe but just to make sure, I asked, "Just at Ah Gong's house. Not there right?"

She said cheekily, "Ya, Ah Gong's house."

Seriously, I don't know what to believe. Please tell me, she was just pulling my leg and my daughter is not really see dead people.

Eye Woe

Last Friday, it was SGH; a week later, it's KKH; but this time it wasn't me. My maid called me at work, saying that Leonitus's eyes are red, swollen and teary. I came back home to be shocked by the condition of his eyes.




Leonitus has very long eyelashes but he also has Entropion on his right eye, which make his lower eye lashes turned inward and caused his eye irritation. His pediatrician had already referred him to KKH, but we were unable get an earlier appointment and he was scheduled to see the eye surgeon at the end of the month.

Mr Hubby and I decided not to wait and we rushed him down to KKH. It turned out that it was not Entopion that was causing him the problem but a really bad case of Bacterial Conjunctivitis. What a relief!

However something good came out of this scare; we will able to move our eye appointment up. Leonitus will get to see the eye doctor next week instead of having to wait until the end of the month.

One more thing, Leonitus's left eye had became BIGGER, because his eyelid somehow became doubled after being infected! I am wondering if this change is gonna stay permanent. If it is, then I am hoping for his right eyelid to double too!

"Peace on Earth"

Today, my maid went out for her day off, then Mr Hubby left to attend to his business; I was left alone to fend for myself. Ermmm.... I mean, take care of my double Ls.

The gods must be on my side today, they both fell asleep at the same time for their naps.

There was "Peace on Earth" for those couple of hours. Sweet!

His hand in hers

Last night, Leonitus was coughing quite badly so I had him sleeping in my bed instead of his crib. The racket must have woken Laetitia up, she climbed up onto my bed as well, lying down right beside her baby brother. Then she did the sweetest thing; she held her baby brother's hand and they both fell asleep peacefully. I was moved close to tears by her act of sisterly love. I am so thankful having her as Leonitus' sister.

She is My Angel

I am not a mom who is overly concern with the academic milestones of my little ones. Or perhaps, I am saying that because my Laetitia is too much an extrovert to sit still for 1 minute of flash cards. I respect that. Instead of flashing the cards and we would litter our floor with cards and then randomly pick up any she likes and read it out together. At least we have some kind of fun.

Laetitia is slower in her development of speech; she probably had found it unnecessary to learn to speak since we (Mr Hubby and I) can anticipate her needs pretty well even when she don't talk in her first 20 odd months.

I have always feel that learning should be fun and learning can done anytime. Thus I spend Laetitia's younger days doing what she loves; playing with neighbors, swimming, going for walks. I am a believer that children should first have their characters shaped and confidences built, rather than cramping A,B,C and 1,2,3 down their heads.

I was reinforcing good manners, abolishing prejudices and racism, when I should really be flashing those damn cards. In another words, I am determine to raise her up well dignify, if I can't have her both smart and ennoble.

Then I watched videos posted on FB by friends of their kids, some younger than her, doing some amazing feats, counting, reading, communicating, sometimes even bilingually! I admit, I began to fret. I was wondering if what I had been doing for Laetitia is right. Will she become an under-achiever because I hadn't insist that she learn to read and write?

Every "smart" parents know that the window of learning for children start to close by 3 and there I am teaching her about living la vida loca rather than maths or English or science.

But Laetitia puts my mind at ease. Sometime back, we brought her out, on our way back we past by the playground. There were 2 grannies chatting, one had her grandchild in one arm and in the other, a big dried leaf she used as a fan to cool themselves from the punishing heat. Granny lost her grip and the dried leaf slipped off her hand fell to the ground. Upon seeing this, Laetitia broke off the hold from my hand and dashed towards to the granny.

At that instant, I thought she was acting up again, probably wanting to play on the see-saw and not go home. But what happen next, melted my heart and probably Mr Hubby's too. Laetitia picked up the dried leaf and handed it back to the granny, then ran back to us. We were all so surprised by her thoughtfulness. Both grannies were delighted. They thanked her and turned to us, telling us that Laetitia is a great kid! I was filled with so much pride.

Then last week, I was watching TV with her and there was some pitiful crying scenes, she turned to me and told me, while pointing to the telly "Laetitia is sad." I told her, "This is call 'sympathy'. I am glad for you to feel it." She looked away, puzzled.

Well, at times, she still plays her tantrum-throwing monster role, she can't read yet and she counts in broken Mandarin, but she IS my shinning little angel and she will always be, academically achieving or not!

Because everyone should love his/her child for who he/she is...

34 already?

With Mr Hubby away on business trip, I have a quiet... almost non-existent birthday this year. There isn't a celebration or present, just some greetings from FB and birthday wishes coming in through SMS.

Haiz... Technology, sometimes makes me wonder if it is a good or bad thing.

Anyway, it is not all that depressing. I still have Laetitia and Leonitus by my side, even though they have no idea whatsoever about me turning 34 today.

Yesterday evening, I went to the mall with Laetitia, we past by a confectionery shop and Laetitia was so drawn to the wide display of cakes, I bought a slice home. I wasn't intending to use it to celebrate my birthday hence we gulped it down faster than anyone can say "Happy Birthday".



Then my maid brought out a tiramisu, left over from Leonitus's party, and stuck a straw on it to represent candle. Laetitia held it and sang me half a birthday song before she plucked out the straw and ate the tiramisu.




It was a hilarious sight; I had a good laugh with it. I think she had given me the most precious birthday present any kid her age can give.

I am 34 already. Happy Birthday to ME!

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Now there are 2

I survive the first 10 days of my post-natal confinement; 18 more days to go...


I have gotten quite used to being a mother of 2, after these few days of "on-the-job training". It is definitely much harder than when I only have Laetitia. Everyday I remind myself to spend some 'one on one' time with Laetitia and tells her that I love her. So far she had not shown any jealousy or sort, but she seems to be somewhat disturbed when she sees me expressing milk with a breast pump. Maybe the sound of the pump mortified her.


As for Leonitus, he looks "drunk" every day. He makes the funniest grunting noise and he actually yelp like a puppy. Mostly he just sleep, like almost 90% of the time.



I didn't know I am capable having so much love to share among my two "L"s; it seems almost that the capacity of my love doubled over night, after the birth of my second.


The hardest part is having to discipline Laetitia, who at her peak of "terrible two", test our limits constantly. We have to correct her and yet not let her feel that we love her any lesser with the arrival of Leonitus. Like earlier, she threw a huge tantrum before bed, I feel sorry for her but still we have to stick to the guns when it comes to disciplinary; there is no two ways about it.



It real tough being parents of 2. Kan si lang tough, I call it!


But at the end of the day, it's all worth it because I have 2 beautiful and healthy darlings to love.