Monday, September 1

Don't Grow Up Like Mommy

I vowed to surround Laetitia with lots of love. She will grow up with all the warmth and attention that she can get from our home. I will not let anything jeopardise her chance to be brought up in a complete family. Laetitia will not be deprived of people who love her. When she grows up, she will fall in love for all the right reason. She will fall in love only with the man who truly deserve her love.

Most importantly, SHE WILL NOT GROW UP LIKE ME!

I "fall in love" at a very young age. At 12, I already had a "boyfriend" and from then on, I am hardly "available". I would drift in and out of "relationships" looking for acceptance and for someone or anybody to want me. And for the same reason, I stayed long in relationships, that is if the men can tolerate my craziness.

At time of "desperation", I would used guys that I don't even fancy, just so as to be "loved", in the process, I had hurt one of my close guy friends but many times, the person I hurt most, was none other than myself.

The need to be "loved" was so intense that I had, in the past, used money, body and threats to keep people close to me. Often I would put my life on the sacrificial table, if I had to. Playing the martyr was my game; I thought I would be treasured, but I was wrong. More often than not, I would be taken for granted. It was like my life was dependent on the regular dosage of love, and those men held the prescriptions to it.

It was sickening, because no matter where I looked or who I ended up with, I can't find what I was searching for. Men, how can I ever expect them to have loved me, like how a father would have love his little girl, unconditionally? The subconscious replacement image I had was a complete mismatch in reality.

I remembered, several years back, there was a police officer who took my statement in the hospital after an overdose. He said."I don't understand you. You are young and beautiful, why do you want kill yourself over an asshole? Believe me, next time, you will find someone who will really love you with all that he has." Up until now, I still want to believe that the prophecy of that police officer will one day come true.


As Mr Hubby picked Laetitia up and threw her in the air, she chuckled loudly. Then he blew kisses on her tummy, she laughed even more joyously.

I smiled. There is no reason for me to be worried.

For she will never have the chance to grow up like me, that is our promise.


Chantel said...

the past made u who u are today... and you are now with a man in ur life who u truely deserve.

I hope I will settle down with a gd man too who will love me and our children with all his heart.

Anonymous said...

He is, no doubt, a very good father. Sometimes, I wish I can get into his head and understand why he would say the things he said and do the things he did.

melissa said...

Cin, look at me.. after 15 long years its still very hard for me to understand my dear husband. However, sometimes i realise seeing things in a much simpler way helps. Men can sometimes be such simple creatures that we women nv realise, cos we r very complicated and think they are the same like us too.

Jasmine C said...

Good for you. A good and supportive hubby is very important to maintain a loving and strong household. These days I am the strong one.. hope I can one day become back to the female & bo chap role.. I am praying that all will be better when I am back in SG this Nov.


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