The Internet Never Forgets

Dug this picture out from the internet when I tried to google for "SK-II". It was me, working, when I was 8 months pregnant with Leonitus. I was looking like a fucking WHALE!!

Is there really no way to remove this hideous photo of me from the world wide web?!

He is finally here...

... healthy, big and just like his name suggest, he is gonna be "like lion", strong.

Welcome to our world, Leonitus!

It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN!

I have just returned from my final check-up with my gynae. It is now less than 48 hours before the birth of Leonitus!

Guess what I am most fearful of?

Not the epidural, not even the surgery. It is the dreadful confinement period; those hellish 28 days that top my list! >_<''

Probably because I am not a believer of confinement, I feel that those 28 days of "cannot do this, cannot do that" and having people to watch over your every moves and to constantly repeat "go and rest" like a broken down recorder, is simply torturous for me. I hate restrictions. For me, it felt almost like I am serving time in jail for giving birth. How nice!!!

I can't help but scoff whenever when I was told, if you don't this or that, you will suffer in the future. I am like... WTF!? From the moment I conceived, I am prepared to SUFFER for my children anyhow. Tell me which mother don't suffer for their kids?

I was told by some successful breastfeeding moms that my low milk production, the last round had something to do with my self-inflicted stress during confinement. I remembered, I wasn't eating well because I hated the confinement food so much that daily meals became so much of a chore than an enjoyment for me. And I had a bad pork kidneys scare that put me off the dish for the longest time ever, even though I used to like eating them before my confinement.

This time round, with all the past experiences and lessons learnt, I wish I would have more control over my life during this dreaded period and also hopefully I can breastfeed more successful too.

And to all those confinement advocates out there, I thank you for your kindness and concern, please save it for the next person. Don't worry about me, if those 'ang mohs' mothers who didn't have confinements didn't die, I would also turn out just fine too.

If I ever needed a "last goodbye"

It's six more days to the birth of precious Leonitus, I am all filled with anticipations and apprehensions. This time, I have opted for elective C-section because the size of my pelvis makes natural birth quite a challenge for me.

As with all labors, the risks of C-sections are comparably higher, and there is a greater possibility of complications which can result in fatality. I am not taking any chances to leave without saying proper goodbyes.

Life can be unpredictable. You can label me morbid or crazy or both, I wouldn't want to be caught in a situation where I have to leave without a last word. Previously, I had wrote an entry dedicated to Laetitia, now I think I want to leave something for Mr Hubby.

Here goes...

"Dear, I can't thank you enough for loving and marrying me, you have given me the best time of my life. We might not have been the type of couple who talk very much to each other, but I know and trust that everything you have done are for the good, if not the best, for me and our family.

Every time I watched you and Laetitia together, I feel so blessed to have you as a father for our children. I know you will continue to be a great Dad for Leonitus and teach him to grow up just like you, righteous and caring. You possesses amazing strengthens and your perseverance would become a good example for our children. Spend as much time as you can with them, for they grow up in such a hurry and I know you know that very well too.

I love you and our kids... nothing in the world would change this. Do what's best for you and them."

********************

Of course, I would be OK. Writing this entry is like buying an insurance; I am sure nobody wants to die when they buy insurance right. So, chill!

Counting Down

It’s has been seven days after the hype of welcoming a brand new year. I am kind of still in a holiday mode as there hasn’t been much for me to do at work because I am going on maternity leave soon.

HURRAY!! HURRAY!!

I know I said it many times, but I still want to shout it out loud, “I can’t wait to POP!”

The baby is getting so big that it almost felt like I have a melon sitting on my vagina all the time! It aches so badly when I walk and I can never find a comfortable position for sitting or sleeping. If I remember correctly, having Laetitia was not that difficult, maybe age is really catching up on me.

To make matter worst, I am feeling nauseous constantly. I think it is because my stomach is being compressed upwards and the acid in it refluxes back, making me feel like shit!

However, I know everything would be worth it when I see my new born king. All I want now is for him to be healthy and may the delivery be smooth … smooth like tofu! Hehehe…

Bloody Mess

I hadn't been well since last Friday, and because I am a preggy, my medicines are nothing but the mildest, which explains why I am not getting any better.

Last night, I had this massive bleeding from my nose. The blood was flowing out of my nose like a uncontrollable tap. When I pinched my nose to try stopping it, blood then gushed into my mouth instead and it had me gagged and threw up. It went on for more than 10 minutes, non-stop. The bathroom sink was looking like a crime scene straight out of CSI, complete with blood splatters all over.

These blood-stained tissue papers in the bin were just a tiny fraction of what I had used. I think I finished an entire box.


Mr Hubby was worried and had me escorted to the doctor. Laetitia was just as freaked out and kept saying, "Mama.. pain.. pain.." My poor girl, I must have frightened her quite a bit there.

I came back from the clinic with gauze stuffed into my nostrils and tape stuck to my nose. By then the bleeding had stopped.

Just as I thought, all was well, this afternoon, my nose turned on its bloody tap again. I was sitting in front of the telly and I felt a strange taste in my mouth. I licked the back of my hand and it was blood. Seconds after that, the blood from my nose was flowing down to my chin. I ran to the toilet and made a bloody mess out of it again.

I hope this is not gonna happen again when I return to work tomorrow. Imagine how embarrassing to see me holding my nose with a pair of bloody hands in the middle of a meeting!

Oh my, I hope I do recover soon....

Sick of Looking Like This

I was looking at some pictures that were taken last year and can't help but notice just how drastic pregnancy had changed me or maybe... 'destroyed' me. I had metamorphosed from this sexy hot mama to now... some creature that resembles the hybrid of a penguin and hippopotamus!

I had put on a massive 18kg in 6 months. And I still have another 3 more months to go! It's unthinkable! I am definitely going to cross the 20kg mark this time round. And damn those stretchmarks!

I have gotten so goddamn disgusted with the sight of my boobs and tummy! I can't wait to pop and then I can go on a diet and shed all this weight. But having put on so much more than my last pregnancy, I am a little worried. What if I can't go back down to my pre-natal weight? Would I have bits of fats hanging onto me forever?

ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! CAN DIE!!

NO!!! I can't have this happening to me.

I am going to need a MAJOR overhaul after giving birth. I think I would have to save up for lipo, RF and also some minor but invasive surgeries to regain my look. I think I also want a higher nose bridge and some cheek bones might be good too.

I am vain? You bet! After looking like some fat-ass auntie for more 9 months; it's only fair that I do something after this to look better than before.

Erm..... Anyone want to sponsor?? 20K should be enough. hehehe....

Nightmares

Yesterday Mr Hubby asked if I wanted to join him and his friends for dinner. As I was working from home, I decided I was too lazy to put on makeup and a dress to go anywhere. I told Mr Hubby to go ahead without me.

So I spent the evening having dinner at home with Laetitia, sent her to bed early and had a little bit of time catching up with TV, before I headed for bed, slightly before midnight.

The last thing I watched on the TV was about fatality of traffic accidents and it featured a young mother losing her husband, who was killed on the road recently. It saddened me.

I slept for over an hour and had a really bad but vivid dream, I woke up drenched in cold sweat. I checked the clock, it was past 1 am and there was still no signs of Mr Hubby. That was when my imagination got the better of me. I started to panic, I wondered if the nightmare I had was a premonition that something bad was happening to Mr Hubby. I dialled his cellphone. No one answered. I tried again and for the third time, still unanswered. I was freaking out.

I was fully awake by then, I went to the kitchen, very tempted to call his friends, but I held back for a moment. The last thing I wanted was to pass on this infectious panic to another unsuspected person.

Just then, my cellphone rang, I picked it up in a second. It was Mr Hubby. "Where are you? I was trying to call you." I must had sounded like some mad woman. "I am at the KTV. I am coming back soon." Mr Hubby assured. "You should have called. I was worried, you know." Trying really hard to conceal my exasperation.

I hung up, went back to the bedroom and found Laetitia woken up by the night light. I dashed across the room to switch it off but it was too late, she was already crying to have it turn back on. I spent the next 15 minute coaxing the tantrum throwing toddler back to sleep. And when that was done, floods of emotions hit me like a truck. Frustration, depression, helplessness, relief, confusion all rolled up inside of me. My tears came gushing through my tightly closed lids. I brawled uncontrollably in the darkness.

Then I felt my baby thrashing violently inside me as if to remind me that I have to get a gripe of myself for his sake. Which I eventually did.

At the very least, he is safe, sound and enjoying himself; isn't it the best scenario I can get out of this, I comforted myself.

I rolled to my massive belly to the side and tried to get some sleep. Apart from the aftermath of the sage which left me with a throbbing headache and a stuffy nose, no permanent harm was done.

I am still fortunate, I guess.

The Surrogate Mom

I was reading this article about surrogate mothers who "rented" their wombs to carry and deliver someone elses' babies.

This woman, Miss Hawkins, is not married, has no children of her own but she is doing this for the fact that she loves being pregnant! She had done it over and over for 7 times!

I can't believe this. Did she actually enjoys the morning sickness, the horrible stretch of her own belly, the piling of weight, the swollen breasts, the breathlessness, the heart burns, not to mention the risks of death in labor??! OMG, this is pure madness!

I hate every single moment of my pregnancy! I can't wait to get it over and done with as quickly as possible but pregnancy isn't something we can hurry. Even though, being BIG sucks for me, I will never consider a surrogate mother to have my children. It's simply too bizarre for me to understand, let alone accept.

How can one enjoy being pregnant but not love the child that who bore to her??

Is it just me, or does anyone out there hates being pregnant too?

Enough Love?

I am half way there. I mean, my pregnancy. It would be just another 4 months, before Baby #2 lands upon us.

Although I can't wait to pop (because pregnancy has never been easy nor enjoyable for me), I am concern with all the challenges and changes and expecting the unexpected when the newborn arrives.

One question keeps coming into my head, "Do I have enough love for 2?"

I might have been quite successful being a mother for the one & only, Laetitia, but am I capable to continue whatever I am doing for my second child.

Maybe it's too late to worry about such stuff now.

I don't know. My heart feels kind of dense and heavy right now.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones messing me up again. Damn!

Bali, Oh Bali!

Went for a short getaway from 09.09.09-12.09.09 with Mr Hubby, while Laetitia went on a cruise trip with her grandparents.


It was my 3rd trip to Bali, but there were still many "first time" for me. Like...

1) My first on a motorbike with Mr Hubby, and not forgetting my swollen belly.
2) My first time not touching a single drop of alcohol while in the land of BINTANG!
3) My first on drinking the world most expensive coffee, coming from the poo poo of some animal.
4) My first near experience of being cheated at an illegal money changer.
5) My first time in Bali, buying only 1 dress.
6) My first time being asked "Are you on honeymoon?" so many times, despite seeing that I am obviously a preggy!
7) My first, dining beachfront with beautiful view of the crashing waves, feet buried in the sand and fireworks in the sky. Simply took my breathe away!
8) My first massage after this pregnancy.
9) My first time not surfing in Bali; in fact I didn't even swim.

10) and oh... this was our first time in Bali together and we will be back again, with our kids when they are older, in the future.

My H1N1 Scare

Last 2 days past really quickly, maybe because I was sleeping most of the time. It was breakfast, medicine, sleep, lunch, medicine, sleep, dinner, medicine, sleep; very clockwork-like.

I remembered after I had my temperature taken at the clinic, the nurse handed me a mask and told me to put it on as I was running a temperature. After I had my consultation with the doctor, he immediately instructed his nurses to put on their masks. And at that instant, I realized that people in the clinic chose to stand when there were 2 seats available, to the right and left of me. Wasn't it obvious that they were avoiding me? At that moment, I felt as if there was a "BEWARE OF H1N1" sign stamped right across my forehead!

Being a preggy, I was discouraged to take Tamiflu, so doctor prescribe some "safe" drug for common cold and sent me back to "isolate" myself. He said something like, "If the fever persist after 2 days, please admit yourself into KK." Somehow I get the feeling that he don't want to see me ever. LOL! Maybe he is just as fearful of H1N1 as anybody else.

Well, the good new is, today is Day 3 and my fever has gone! I am feeling tired but very much better compared to the past 2 days. At least, I am up in the afternoon, typing this entry, so to hell with H1N1! You made me feel so discriminated!

Girl or Boy?

2 days back, I went to the hospital to do the scan and blood test for Fetal's Down Syndrome and to my relief, I belongs to the low risk sector.

The image from the scan is so much clearer and thus the doctor was able to predict the gender of my 12 weeks old baby. He had guessed that the baby would be a boy but he was quick to add that he had been wrong before and warned us not to buy anything for the baby yet.

Mr Hubby likes to have a boy, since we already have a beautiful girl. For me, I am fine, whichever sex, as long as my baby is healthy. But secretly, I was imagining the name to be "Michaela" (meaning: like God) but since this is a girl's name, I guess I have to just drop it.

It will be another 170-180 days to go, before I get to hold my baby in my arms, I just can't wait to pop. Everyday, I am feeling tired and at times I can be quite sick with all that puking, headaches and nauseousness. On top of that, I look sooooo bloody TERRIBLE!! Bloat like a water buffalo that walks up right like a penguin! And my complexion had also makes me look really dull these days. All those pregnancy hormones are not doing me any justice at all!

I can only comfort myself with the wise words of one of my co-worker. She told me, "Heaven is fair. When you are ugly, you will become prettier during your pregnancy, but when you are usually pretty, you will look your ugliest when you are expecting a baby."

OK. I rather be ugly just for these 9 months than for the rest of my life.

Maybe, I should go into hibernation for the next few months, until I have given birth so nobody gets to see the hideous side of me.



Has to work later of the day :((
Why isn't it the weekends yet?????

License to grow FAT!

The best thing about being pregnant, for me, is I get to really enjoy eating, caring nothing about tipping the scale of my weighing machine.

Recently, there has been a wave of dieting, supplement meals with shakes and lots of measurement and weighing going now with a small circle of our friends, after someone got very inspired by a MLM company. The hyper is all about trimming fat, losing weight = healthy.

And I am so glad, I was spared because I am "different" at the moment. I would have been miserable if I have to swap real food for some artificially-flavored drinks.

I guess I love my food more than anything else. As for post-natal. I have my ways to trim those kilos. Just look who I already have as my personal trainer and this new-born will have given me 2 of the best trainers in the world, my world, at least!

Btw, I have already put on 5 kg in 2 months. I am a monster!! ROARRRRR!!!!

MORE Cravings

I simply couldn't stop thinking about food... food... and more food!!!

I think I am getting a little neurotic. My brain is constantly flooded with pictures of all kinds of food!

Food is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and last thing on my mind before I KO at night.

What is happening to me?

I can't stop wanting to EAT!!

This is really BAD!!

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centuryeggporridgeKFCtomyumseafoodsoupbbqquailslambchopsdeepfriedwantonsataymeesototiramisuclamchowderporkribsfish&chipsmeegorengtunameltsandwichribeyesteakmeehoonquayrotijohnbbqstingraygrilledsambalsotongMcSpicycurryfishheadoreocheesecakepopiahmalahotpotgrilledchickenwingsblackpeppercrabscheesyescagotsvenisononhotplatepizzaramlyburgerroastedduck

Cravings

When I had Laetitia, I never had craving for any or certain food, I just find that EVERY, yes, EVERYTHING is delicious to me.

With this pregnancy, I would crave for food and when I don't get to eat it, I can becomes uneasy and sleepless.


It was past 11pm, I caught a glimpse of "Bak Kut Teh" on the TV and developed an insane craving to eat it. Mr Hubby drove us, 20 minutes away from home, to Balestier's famous Founder Bak Kut Teh Restaurant.

Next few days later, I also had my craving for "Ma La" Hotpot satisfied. And many many sinful cravings for sweet stuff like cakes, muffins and cookies.

Hmm..... I think this is baby I am carrying is a glutton! I have to watch my weight.

Feel like %#!@$?

I am having a really nasty yeast infection after taking anti-biotic for my horrible UTI attack. It is already killing me! Then comes the morning sickness, which do not restrict itself to just the morning hours. Win already lor!!

It is like I had entered this chamber of torture. Beginning with the painful UTI, tormenting yeast infection and then nauseating morning sickness... arghhh!!! When is this ever going to STOP! How frustrating!!

Plus, I threw up my lunch today after trying a tiny piece of preserved lemon slices, which was supposed to make me feel better. PUI!! So angry lor!!

It has been the 3rd day, why isn't the medicine doing its job??!!

Why am I still feeling like crap???

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laetitia makes me laugh. She is better than any medicines in the world. *sigh **short relief

My one & only, Laetitia

It's so surreal that here I am expecting another baby when I only had Laetitia not longer ago.

I am probably crazy to have this fear that once the new baby is born, there will be changes between the feelings Laetitia has for me or vice versa.

It's like I want to always have this special bond with Laetitia that I would never want to give up for anything else in the world.

I have no idea how to be a mother of 2, just as how I was clueless starting out as a mother for Laetitia, 18 months ago.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook In any case, Laetitia, I love you and I will always do.

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The Beginning

Spend the day at home instead of at work. Had been MC for extreme fatigue. I am so tired that I simply can't get my butt off the bed without feeling light-headed.

In case you are wondering if I am dying, the answer is "No". The somewhat longer answer is "Who knows, people die all the time without really knowing when and where, death gonna takes place. But for now, I don't think I am dying just yet!"

Ok, cut the crap. Truth is - I could be pregnant... most likely to be pregnant... almost certainly to be pregnant... Ok... Ok... honestly... the test kit shows that I am pregnant but the ultra-sound scan from my gynae's clinic has not pick up any image yet, so there can still be a 0.1% chance that I am just giving myself excuse to be fat and is plainly exhausted from all that binge eating.

Perhaps I am in denial. I guess, I am just not mentally prepared for another baby, but then again when was I ever mentally prepared for motherhood anyway. But the thought of putting on weight and then going through 'boot-camp' style of dieting & exercise to shed them off still sends shivers down my spine.

Even though I had done it before, when I successfully lost beyond those 18 kgs which I had piled up during my last pregnancy and incidentally became slimmer than my prenatal, I am still apprehensive.

And the thought of GD (gestational diabetes), and all those daily, multiple blood tests and insulin shots which I endured during my last pregnancy is enough to get me damn freaked out!

It might have seemed that I am very unwilling to go through another round of pregnancy because it was more of a nightmare than anything I could enjoy, but I think I would psyche myself ready to venture into "hell" again if that's what it takes to have another "blessing" in our life.

How could I still say "No" to kids, when I already know just how much joy one lil' angel can bring, let alone two or more.

But two is already the benchmark for me.

So let the battle begins!!

Post-natal Exercise

Ya, I might not have a figure like Kelly Hu or Fiona Xie but at the very least I managed to shed away all those 18kgs that I piled on during my pregnancy.

Truth is, I don't exercise, because I am a busy working mom!! I don't have the will-power to overcome the temptation of food so dieting is OUT!

So just what the hell do I do?

I multi-task : Leg lifts + baby-sitting

One of the best work-out!