How Do You Live?

Wake up in the morning, get sandwiched in a crowded train, start work, deal with some amazingly stupid people/ situations, ponder over what to eat for lunch, leave work, stuck in the rush hour traffic, reach home, eat whatever that is on the dinning table, if you have kids, you try to bond with them but really, you just want to plant your fat ass in front of the telly, taking in whatever crap that is shown on it because your mind is so drained that it probably couldn't take in anything intellectual anyway, the last thing you feel like doing is shower and then curled up in bed. Next day, you repeat these acts again, while at the same time, you are praying for weekends/ your day off to descend quickly.

Finally, weekend/ day off is here, before you can milk it or at least make it seems anywhere close to being productive, it's gone! And the scariest part is - it didn't end here, you have this going on for months, years or decades.

I believe many people can relate to the above. Don't get me wrong, I like stability, and routine suits me quite fine, but having life repeating itself, put me in some auto-pilot mode, before I know it, I'd stopped feeling and when I feel, it was only frustration.

I thought my recent trip to Japan gave me a good break from my monotonous cycle. I was hoping for it to spark off some insight to my repetitious life, it had, but it wasn't enough for me to figure out my own bafflement. Then came this video. (If you are reading this Robyn, thank you.)

Before you sign this video off as sort of bullshit and believing "this must be some happy dude who didn't understand how crappy my life is", you better know that David Foster Wallace was tormented by years of depression before he finally end it all by taking his own life. It's an irony, I know, but if a sick man can, try as he might, to control his mind, the healthy ones have absolutely no excuses.

With the media splashing our senses with crimes and corruptions in Malaysia; brought to new heights by the recent election, I couldn't help but ask a Malaysian, why would any decent Malaysian citizens want to continue to live in such a decadent land. She explained that beyond all the madness we read about her country (which to certain extend is true), "Malaysia is still a nice place to live in" - her own words. And I thought I saw twinkles in her eyes when she spoke about her country.

It becomes clear to me - Every cities, every towns, every country, just about any parts of the world, there will NEVER be a perfect place. But we have the ability to exercise the control over what we want to think, and how we want to feel. We only see what we want to see, it's just that simple or is it?

I know, it can never be easy, coz most if us just want to see things negatively most of the time, maybe is the default way we view life. We just have to remind ourselves that our paradigm can be shifted with the right choice of thoughts and we are the master of our own thoughts.

So it's about time to turn off the auto-pilot mode, 'wake up' and take charge, regardless of where or how we live.

That's my Happiness

Happiness is about making a choice. And that choice is how you want to perceive the world you are living in to be.

Right from when we were young, our parents (or other well-meaning adults) told us to study hard, so that we can be successful at work, then we will earn lots of money and then we can be happy. But some of the happiest people in the world are not rich and some of the richest people in the world are the saddest bunch around. So this can't be right, isn't it?

Recently, in a training which I conducted, I asked my participants to rate their levels of happiness. From 0-100%, how happy are they at present stage of their lives. Very little of them scored themselves 80% or more. Then I asked those who scored their level of happiness lowly, what would make them happier, many answers came out, but commonly across, money tops the chart. See, how that mentality which was drilled into us when we were little made us believed.

Do you think you have the ability to choose to be happy, or remain sad, however rich or poor you might be? What makes you happy? Shockingly, 10% of our happiness comes from external factors, like that new car or a new boyfriend. The rest of the happiness pie is made up of our genetics (don't go blaming your mother or father just yet), our thoughts and our behaviours that we do deliberately—which includes our attitude.

Living in a first world country, we are constantly focused on the next thing and what we need (or consume) next to make us happy. If you obtained what you desired, would you be happy? Yes. But usually, it would come as a form of temporary joy which lasted shorter than you could wish for, and then we quickly fall back in to that stressful existence. Once the happiness eases out, you would set your mind on another aim, which you think would make you happy if you achieved it. 

How could this endless chasing possibly grant you the ultimate happiness? It would, if you are a dog! Have you not seen the silly, yet satisfied look on the face of a dog when it finally got its own tail after chasing round and round it insanely? 

To receive happiness, one must change the perceptions we have for our lives. There are multiple benefits of being grateful for things you currently have. Recalling the things you are thankful for will create a change in mindset and your outlook of life. Rather than being focused on things you want, you will be focused on things you have.

Think about it. If you are living in a first-world country, you have clean drinkable water, abundant food, and relatively easy access to health care. 95% of the world's population doesn't even have these 3 things. But have you been thankful for this unassuming but amazing things that surround us? Not many Singaporean here would be. Just take a look at the turnout at an opposition party rally. But that's politics and I am not about to go there. (I am politically apathetic.)

We are so focused on what we want, that we take what we have for granted. And that was what robbed us of our happiness.

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” - Wayne W. Dyer

Happiness cured my clinical depression.

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The Best Revenge

Haven't you heard? There is a Facebook page that was created not too long ago by this lady who lost her fiance to another woman, two months before their wedding day. It's so hyped up at the moment.

The protagonist is called Yuki, her FB page Alvin and Yuki is quickly going viral in the region, with more than 17 thousands people liking it till date (and the numbers continue to multiply) and thousands are gossiping talking about it (That was how I came to know about it.)

Yuki uses this FB page as an outlet to pour out her grievances as well as to dish out the dirt on his ex-fiance and his current squeeze, a young and pretty blogshop model, Zoe Raymond. As a result, many netizen crossed over to Zoe's FB and left her some of the most cruel and deadliest remarks. The way I see it, it's cyber-bullying at its best and I am not so sure if this girl, Zoe, deserves all these. Surely, she is no saint for seducing an almost married man, but remember, it takes two to tango.

Yuki VS Zoe

When it comes to a love triangle, naturally, the finger would be pointed at third party aka the slut (that's how the TV shows it most of the time). However, having been in that position unwittingly before (I didn't know he was married OK), I gotta tell you, sometimes it is the man who manipulates the situation and refuses to let go.

For a start, I do empathize with Yuki, because I know how terrible it must had been for her to have to go through the living hell of being betrayed by the person she loved most. Fact is, she reminded me of myself many years ago when I discovered that my ex-husband was cheating on me. And when he chosen to give up our marriage for the other party, I literally wanted to drop dead. However, I still won't endorse Yuki's FB page, because I believe the best thing she could do for herself right now is to simply let go of all these and just move on, not lingers upon it any further. The faster you de-associate your life with that heartless cad, the sooner your wounds heal.

In retrospect, I wasn't a perfect material to be anybody's wife back then. Sure, I made sacrifices and was caring and forgiving but on the other hand, I was complacent, unreasonable and arrogant, just to name a few. But then again, it's normal for us to see ourselves as perfect, even right up to the very day that we are being ditched!

Trust me, it wasn't easy for me to look back and realized that I played a part in the breakdown of our relationship. I am glad, I did. Without this self-reflection, I would still be that un-evolved bitch.

At the beginning of this month, my ex-husband and I met at a class gathering (we used to be classmates). When he left, one of the girls in our class, spoke to me with a sympathetic expression, "I heard about the two of you. Must have been hard for you to see him just now."

I couldn't help, but smile.

"I'm alright. Actually, I am really grateful for the experience that he gave me. If I would to re-live my life again, I wouldn't have change anything. If it wasn't for him (and her), I wouldn't be who I am today. I have learned a lot through it." I replied.

Indeed, I had. And I also have to thank her (the third party) for taking him away from me. I don't mean it as a cynicism, it's truly gratitude. I can't imagine how my life would be right now, if our paths hadn't crossed; I would still be stuck with an unfaithful man and would never have the chance to experience the loves of my life - my dearest hubby of present and our children.

In my opinion, the best form of revenge, is not creating a page in Facebook or start a blog for it. The best form of revenge is to LIVE A LIFE, WAY BETTER THAN BEFORE and walked away, laughing the last laugh.

I hope one day (maybe 5 or 10 years later), Yuki would look back at all these and realised that she have Zoe to thank for saving her from a lousy man, whom she probably didn't even love as much as she thought she did today.


Pictures credit:
http://www.zoeraymond.com/ and http://www.facebook.com/pages/Alvin-Yuki/

Metaperception

"I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am."

Sounds confusing?

Metaperception also known as the looking-glass self, a social psychological concept, created by Charles Horton Cooley.

The concept had me constantly reminding myself to think good things about my children and make known to them that my thoughts for them are positive. Because children grow up becoming what their parents believed them to be. So if you often think out loud, how lazy he/she is, how horrible he/she is, you will not get anything but that nasty-labelled child you thought you had all along.

This Aimee Mullins. Born without fibulae in both legs, doctors amputated both Aimee's legs below the knee on her first birthday. 

Her parents were told Aimee would never walk and would likely spend the rest of her life on a wheelchair. Aimee's parents refused to accept her medical prognosis and were determined to raise their daughter like any able-bodied kids. By age two, Aimee had learned to walk on prosthetic legs and she later went on to swim, bike and ski like all other children her age.

In her teen, she became the first double amputee to compete in nationally-ranked track team along side with able athletics. Then she went on to set World Records in the 100 meter, the 200 meter, and the long jump, with her prosthetic legs.

After conquering the tracks, Aimee was featured in Sports Illustrated for Women, being the first model without legs. In 1999, Aimee made her runway debut in London at the invitation of late fashion designer, Alexander McQueen.

Walking alongside with supermodels of the world and making her mark in fashion magazines like Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Elle and many more, she was recently crowned as the new Global Brand Ambassador to the beauty brand, L'Oreal Paris.

If Aimee's parents would to 'accept their fate' and believed that their daughter was capable of nothing because she has a disability, do you think Aimee would be who she is today? In one of the interview, Aimee told her audiences, she never see herself as being disabled when she was young, simply because it wasn't in her parents' dictionary.

***********

I struggled with my identity and took a long time to finally become who I want to be because I didn't have the luxury of having parents around when I was growing up.

Ultimately, when you are an adult, how you see yourself could potentially be more important than how others perceive you to be. But if I can give my children a head-start, just by thinking more positively of them, then why not.

Success = Money = Happiness?

This is going to be a very long post, but I assure that you will gain invaluable insights if you read through it.

Today, I just found out that the doctor who did my first liposuction in Singapore had passed away. He had millions of dollars, a Ferrari, a bungalow and he also had terminal lung cancer. He was 40 years old when he died.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who had selflessly came to share with the graduating medical students his life experience on 19-Jan-2012, while he was still battling cancer.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by the professor. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye. 

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out of average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe, so we hang around, with the beautiful, rich and famous. This, by the way, is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs, you know. 

So I reach a point in life that I've got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it. 

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything. 

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me - happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact, I think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred. 

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy. 

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in King Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it? There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. 

As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen, breathing their last breath and all. But it was just, a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication, but was the patients real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, to do my own stuff. 

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course, I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you - yes, I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way. 

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts. 

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us, like myself, couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I care was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients, were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients. 

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money. 

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad-mouthed our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental, everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system. 

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes. 

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resources and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist. 

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today. 

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morrie, and some of you may have read it. "Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently." When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through. 

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way. With that I thank you, if you have any questions you have for me, please feel free. Thank you.

If you had been following my blog and read my lipo journey, you would have known that I had spoken badly of Dr Richard Teo and his lipo work in the past. He was exactly like how he had described himself to be, as a doctor who only wanted to get rich through exploiting human's vanity.

But I cried when I read his transcript above, because at the final moments of his life, Dr Richard Teo was not afraid to give an honest perspective to these graduating doctors-to-be, whom many of them might end up very jaded, or worst, being blind-sided by wealth and fame, glorified by media-loved celebrity doctors like Georgia Lee and what have you, instead of healing the sick or saving lives.

I am glad to know that Dr Richard Teo was finding true happiness in helping people realise that there are more to life than being rich, and more importantly, he was finally at peace with himself before he made his departure.

If you are a Christian (although I am not), you might want to read Dr Richard Teo's sharing at a Christian Fellowship Meeting, where he shared his journey back to the arms of God.

R.I.P doctor richard teo.

A Date With Myself

For a big chunk of my past, I lived my life fearing 'being alone'. For that same reason, I found myself surrounded by relationships for absolutely the wrong reason. I didn't truly love myself, I relied extensively on external source for love and approval which always ended with tears and heartaches.

Now that I have grown older wiser, I have come to appreciate time that I dedicate to myself, to do everything within my means to love myself.

It's my off day today and I had a date... I dated an incredibly gorgeous person. I dated myself.

Watched a show that I know I really wanted to watch, but not quite a show that would entertain, my partner, Mr Hubby.

Indulged myself in a good lunch while watching the ice-skaters did some amazing moves. It was really quite relaxing.

Window-shopping with ease; without having to worry about my kids getting into trouble or tearing the mall down.

Read some brainless magazine and chill out in my perfect little space. 

Jumped right into the jacuzzi after a good workout in the gym and put my legs up, baked in the warm light of the setting sun. It's just so blissful.

This is my date with myself. My way of building my independence and finding my personal freedom.

When was the last time you had a date with yourself?

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Gratitude

I used to be a seriously unhappy individual. It was as though my favourite pastime was to dig for stuff that made me upset.

I had depression, and I used to believe it was solely a medical condition and that I had no power over it. I even believed I would live my entire life surrounding by prescriptions after prescriptions of anti-depressants.

Then came a day, I realised that I might have the power to be happy. It was the day, I learnt about 'Gratitude'.

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart

From that day on, I would give myself one minute a day to silently give thanks to what I have in my life. Sometimes, I do it, commuting in a car, sometimes while lying down on my bed waiting for the doors of dreamland to be opened, I had even done it in the loo, after doing a satisfying poo.

Truth is, I don't do it often enough, but whenever I take my time to count my blessings, I would be swept away by a tsunami of bliss.

In Singapore, where we are all living in a pressure-cooker environment, many of us grow up believing that the route to happiness is through a good education, a stable job, a roof over your head and if possible, owning a car (for men) and getting married (for some women). Ironically, many people who possess all the above, happened to be some of the most unhappy bunch of people whom I have met.


"Nothing new can come into your life unless you are grateful of what you already have." It can't be more true. I can testified for it.

Happiness - It's simply focusing on abundance. Don't talk about what you don't have, but remind yourself what you are been blessed with. You will be amazed with what gratification can do for you.

OK. Maybe you had a tragic past. Maybe you met some/lots of ass-holes along the way.

Let it go. Make your past an interesting story, not part of your history. Your past can't make you who you are, unless you allow it.

Lastly, I want to say, "Thank you. I am grateful  for the opportunity to share my life on this blog." And that's my gratitude for the day.

My Jurong Lake Run

Last Sunday, we woke up very early in the morning, left our cars at home and took a train to Jurong East - all geared up for the Jurong Lake Run 2012.

Since my first competitive 10KM some months back, I have been itching for another. Unfortunately, I was unwell the entire June and became rather apprehensive about running this race, as I didn't train for it at all.

But luckily all turned out well. I finished the race without stopping or walking. The moment I started running, I didn't have any thoughts of giving up the race. "Impossible is nothing. Impossible is nothing." I drummed this into my head with every step I took.

As always, Mr Hubby was there to encourage me. He ran the first 2KM at my pace. Running had certainly drawn us closer, even though we don't always run together.

The result was out. I didn't do too badly. Despite 'nua-ing' for one month, I clocked 1hr 18mins (just 3 minutes slower than my first run at RUN 350), beating 327 other women in my category.

Right after the finishing line, was a MASSIVE MASSIVE jam! The organizer really need to look into ways to improve the drinks and medals collection. I was stuck in the Q for more than 15 mins just to get into the area to collect my medal. And the sun was already up, threatening to burn me, this vampire to ash. I WAS SO PISSED!

Having said that, I still did enjoy the run, hopefully, next year it will be less chaotic.

Everybody is running for a cause, so am I.

I run to eat more without gaining weight!! I am shallow, whatever! Hahahahaha....

The Law of Attraction

Couple of days back, I posted this picture along with the caption "They are one of the reasons why I choose to believe in myself and live my life without religion."

I might get some people saying, "Like that, then you won't go to heaven and have everlasting life."

Everlasting life?! Oh come on, if you can't even make this life work out for you, then forget about having everlasting life or next life or whatever life!

I don't have a religion, that doesn't means I don't have any belief. I believe in MYSELF and WHAT I CAN DO. My secret is no secret, it's The Law of Attraction.

I was exposed to Christianity from a young age, following my aunt to church every weekend, attending Sunday school and had many friends who were raised as Christians. Even though I was told God loves me, I never understood why I was so bitter. There were so much anger and hatred inside me, I grew up mutilating myself a lot.

When I became older, I thought I saw ghosts and believed my house was haunted, some friends took me to Chinese temples where I prayed to deities and Buddha. In all those years that I felt my life was nothing but agony and sufferings, I was surrounded by one religion or another. But it was as though I was stuck in the abyss of grievances, I just couldn't climb out of the pits.

About 6 years ago, I ended yet another miserable relationship which robbed me more than 5 years of my youth (but I still am pretty LOL), I couldn't figure out why the men in my life must be such jerks. I was back in the office of my psychiatrist after falling into the out-stretched arms of depression.

Then one fine day, I chanced upon a video, The Secret. It profoundly changed my life. It wasn't the best shrink in the country nor even any God, it wasn't anything or anybody but myself, if I want to turn my life around. And that became my faith.

"Thought becomes things."

I didn't believe The Law of Attraction (LOA) immediately, because I am always skeptical and cynic happens to be my middle name. Initially, I had intended to apply LOA to prove it wrong. I told myself, "OK, if I think positive and started doing things differently and my life is still spinning that downward spiral then this LOA is the biggest crap!"

Instead, I witness my life evolved, LOA opened my eyes and showed me what I am capable to do for myself. As soon as I started changing the perspective I had for life and embracing LOA, I stopped visiting my shrink, I married a great man, have a wonderful family with the loveliest children and I never have to worry about money anymore; my life became the envious of others!

I looked back and realized that those terrible things which I had experienced were indeed attracted into my life because I 'asked for it'. And that is simply the Law of Attraction. Whether if it was good or bad, I was there to make it happened for me.

"The law of attraction manifests the things that you think of."

You might be thinking that maybe my luck had finally turned around after 30 years living on this planet. Perhaps you are right, but how do you explain about the following:

4 years back, my mom was told she has Stage 4 breast cancer. It was terminal; at the start, her doctor wouldn't even want to operate on her. I explained LOA to my mom as best as I could, in Mandarin. She didn't seem to have much hope in the beginning, but I encouraged her and "psycho" her along the way.

Slowly, my mom's outlook for life transformed. She started applying LOA, although she might not understand fully what it is. Now, she is my rock! She volunteers her time with a community that take care of elderly, she had travelled twice to Europe and many other countries, she is able to run 4 rounds in the stadium after an hour long exercise regimen. She still have breast cancer, but she is alive, healthy and happier than before!

The picture was taken in Phuket, Thailand, a month after her surgery.

Whether is it health, money, happiness or love, the rules are simple. Be positive, love life and show gratitude. Then sit back and watch the Law of Attraction goes to work!

"Choose your thoughts carefully, you are the masterpiece of your life."

Inserting a completely irrelevant picture of myself here. LOL!

Oh.. and since I don't need to contributed to make someone else's life glamorous in Hollywood (and not to mention those HORRIBLE HORRIBLE MTVs) or to help pay for the bungalow in Sentosa Cove, I can spend my own money to make myself beautiful and buy those branded bags. Hahaha...

PS: I am not asking anyone to give up your faith because everyone has a right to choose. But at least watch the first 20 minutes of The Secret HERE and you might start to understand why the life you are having, isn't somewhat the life you always dream of.

Me at Run 350

A year ago, I would never imagined I could like running, let alone run for 10km. I always hated 2.4 when I was schooling, if I can 'siam', I would 'siam'.

Then last Sep, I made a commitment to start exercising and running seems to be the easiest sport; just a pair of running shoes and off I could go. 

From 2km to 4km to 8km and now I am taking part in a competitive 10km run at Run 350.

Actually Mr Hubby was the one who signed me up and paid for my run months ago when I wasn't even sure if I could survive running 10km. Guess, he has faith in me.

The run started at 6.50am, the sky was still rather dark. Took this picture just before the race began.

Not a flattery picture of me after completing10km, but it was a picture that made me proud of myself for having done that.

And that's my man, proud as can be!

Together, we have done it! It was truly a special experience for the both if us.

The race result just came out! I am ranked 565 out of 1351, that means I beat 786 person to the race! Cool! That's quite awesome, isn't it?!

I am so ready for the next race already. Who would like to join me?  : )

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Being Positive

I have just turned 36; in retrospect, I saw how different I have become these past few years. Not just physically (Hello! I gave birth TWICE ok!!), but more on an emotional level.

I have more confidence and am finally at peace with my inner self. I care not about judgement anymore, which ends my endless search for happiness, material fulfilment and someone to love me, for I am finally able to love myself and I love the 'me' now, more than ever.

It wasn't easy crawling out of my dark sinister shell. It was a constant battle to keep the negative energy at bay. But I only have one life, I might as well choose the kind of life I want to live.

I choose to be POSITIVE.

I know it's frustrating to hear people telling you to be positive when you are down in the pits. "Ya right, positive?! Tell me how!" It's as if I hear you say it.

This is how I have done it. I want to share simple steps that everyone can follow:

1) Make a choice. Choose the life you want and move forward. Bury the past, don't think, don't talk and don't compare. Just look ahead and beliving it would be better.

2) Gather your gratitudes. Wake up every morning and think of just one thing that you are glad of. It can be very small things. For me, it was stuff like 'the smiles of my children', 'good hair day', 'having a wardrobe full of clothes' or even 'a comfortable bed that I slept on'. Because there are millions of people, if not more, out there who doesn't have all these and still they have to continue to live.

3) Be nice. Start with greeting people around you, saying 'Thank you', gives hugs to that ones you love. I greet the janitor who sweep my corridors every time I see her even though she doesn't speak English. Once I met an old delivery man (I didn't know him) in my office lift, I noticed his finger was cut. I took a band-aid from my purse and gave it to him before I stepped out of the lift. He smiled and I felt so good the entire day.

That's it. Just 3 simple steps to change you. 1 week, 1 month, 1 year... suddenly one day, you will be like me, loving the 'new' you too.

Nothing to be Afraid of

10th Oct (I know I am late) was World Mental Health Day, a day to raise public awareness for the mentally ill. I know most of you would be shunning, "Oh, I don't want to have anything to do with the crazies!"

And this is exactly the reason why I have chose to blog about it. There is an absolute need to debunk the myth of mental illness. Blogging about my own struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder would make me vulnerable; in this stigmatising society which we live in, I might lose some friends or perhaps even my job when this entry goes live. But I want to do something, I want to give back to the society, I want to put a face to it, to show everyone out there that being diagnosed with a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a sickness, not a sin. And we can go on to become well and lead dignified and fulfilling lives.

This was me, 5 years ago. Having battled depression for more than half a decade, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 30.

And what was I like then?

I looked fabulous and could have impressed people easily, but behind closed door, I don’t even know who I really was. I was confused with my own identity.

I wasn't like those mad people you watch on the TV, locked up in an asylum. But I indeed stayed in a psychiatric ward in a hospital for a short time - 14 days to be precise.

I had poorly regulated emotions, which was why I would be nice on some days and screamed at the same person, the next.

Occasionally, I would have intense anxiety for no apparent reason, which made me retreated into my own solitary.

I was aloof because we didn't want to get unnecessary involvement, coz I felt it would always be me who get hurt in the end. I was superficial because the intensity of human relations drove me to my pits and I believed being indifferent will help me keep that facade.

I had chronic feelings of emptiness, that was why I jumped from people to people to fill the void, but I feared being connected emotionally at the same time. I fell for people easily and fell out of it, just as quickly too. I had abnormal fear of attachment, as I thought of attachment as future abandonment.

I was impulsive and self-damaging, I tried killing myself a few times. And I actually enjoyed self-mutilation because I believed the physical pain would lessen my emotional turmoil.

I  used to be paranoid and depressive, I felt the world was an evil place. I didn't know how to take things lightly because my life was a matter of black and white, I didn't know how to accept the multiple shades of grey.

I hated everything, I blamed everyone, including myself, I wanted to be dead.

That was me.
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Now, I have come a long way.

I am successful (in my own opinion), drug and therapy-free and loving each and every day of my life. And I want you to know, with early interventions, there is nothing to be afraid for being a little mad some times.



The Gift

Have you ever got more than you bargain for? Like the time you paid for a moisturiser and got a brand new lipstick. In retail, they call it "free gift".

I went for my routine health screening in June this year and I didn't expect one, but I too received a "free gift".

No, it didn't come properly wrapped, neither did it spot a cute ribbon on it but anyhow, it had profoundly changed my life and I will tell you all about the incredible things it had done for me.

For a start, it had given me a 17 days vacation. I get paid without having to go to the office, it's more days than someone's annual leaves, all add up!

Suddenly, I am showered with love and care; and had calls, messages and emails flooding in from every corner of the world, even from friends or acquaintances whom I have not heard from in years! Next, I woke up to flowers; and fruit basket came knocking on my door.

I am given the legitimate reason to laze on my bed for as long as I wanted to, without anyone dare calling me a bum. Finally, I found time to do nothing but watch my kids sleep. It was luxurious!

I became so much more knowledgeable and gain enough medical vocabulary and jargons that I could easily be passed off as a medical personnel.

It had help me to recalibrate the priorities of my life and forced me to redefine my values and purpose for living. It's amazing! And I got it for free!

The catch is - it's non-returnable, non-exchangeable and also non-transferable. So what is the free gift?

It's Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia 2, better known as CIN-2 (precancerous stage of cervical cancer), with a detection of high risk HPV, the strain of HPV that causes almost all cervical cancer.

Picture taken from my colposcopy

I had LEEP to remove the dysplasia and is still awaiting my biopsy report. I am hopeful but vigilant. I know, this might just be the beginning and while I am doing fine now, I wouldn't wish for you to have this "gift".

I had my "gift" and there is no way for me to return it, I thought I might as well make the best out of it, by telling the world that Pap Smear had saved my life and it could save yours too.

And we can all kick Cervical Cancer's butt by choosing a non-promiscuous lifestyle and with a simple vaccine to prevent HPV (works even better if you are not sexually active yet) you would have lower your risk of Cervical Cancer by so much.

Cervical Cancer is currently one of the most common cancer affecting Singaporean women, but with some effortless commitment, we could all help change that. Log on now to Power Over Cervical Cancer because I am sure, like me, you wouldn't want to wait until you are given the much bigger "gift' - Cervical Cancer, itself.

Better off 5 years ago?

When it comes to politic, my attitude has always been, and would remains, apathy. So it irritates the hell out of me when it's time for General Election because good TV programs would be suspended for these politicians and politician-wannabes to come on air, appearing to be sincere and try to bribe, bluff, threaten and beg for the people's votes.

Then few days ago, I was sitting in front of my telly surfing for a good show to watch, Mr Hubby invaded and switched my channel. I don't know the title of that program nor do I care. To me, it was some politician pitching their 'sale talk'. Then one of the opposition raised a question, "Are you better off than you were five years ago?

That set me thinking...

This was me, five years ago, roughly about a month before I dispensed myself from that miserable life that I shared with my ex-boyfriend whom I had been with for the last five and a half year. His infidelity and irresponsibility had almost wreaked my life. I was physically, psychologically and financially damaged.

When I left him, I was in debt, I had no roof over my head, and not too many people to turn to. I seek shelter in a very filthy house which I suspected was haunted. Over the years of numbing myself when I was with my ex-boyfriend, my reliance on prescription drugs had messed up my health big time. My state of mind and my social relation were also in a huge mess. In short, my life was chaotic and I was all on my own.

So I made up my mind to clean up my life. In the beginning, I wasn't sure if I was capable to even move on but with sheer perseverance I was able to turn my life around.

I took on a new role in my job which put me on a vertical learning curve. It was hard, but I had the best job satisfaction and earned my first taste of dignity and respect which I had lost in those years hanging out with my ex.

I settled my highly over-due divorce (yes, I was even once married to a pig) and sold my matrimonial flat which I used the money to pay off my debts. Then I took up a loan and bought my first private condo which had its value sky-rocketed in the years that followed.

I met a wonderful man. Fell in love. Had his child. Married and had been blissful ever since. Last year, we welcomed our second child.

While, there had been ups and downs, recessions and job losses, I was never in any way affected long enough. I had grown to be resilient.

In these 5 years, I had built a career doing something that I like, own and co-own two private properties, became mom to two most lovable children and wife to the most wonderful husband, be the sponsor of a child in Mongolia, and enjoying every bits of life's luxuries. I am not just better off than five years ago, I am having the BEST time of my life!

So does that means my vote should go to the PAP?

I certainly don't believe any politicians or government can do a thing more, or (for the pessimestic) less, to my life than what I can on my own.

The question ISN'T 'Are you better off than you were?'

The question IS: 'Why wait or hope for someone to come and make your life better, when you can just make that change on your own?'

I am climbing out

I know this is life; filled with ups and downs. But at times I would allow myself to be sucked into a negative spiral and sink deep into a ugly mess of self-induced misery.

While I was submerged in the waist-deep shit of own sorrow, I attended 3.5 day of training on 7 Habits of the Highly Effective People. It was a refreshing change for me, for once, I became the trainee, not the trainer.

Having already read the book, I went to the training, not expecting to know anything new, but what awaits me was a big surprise.

At the end of the training, I realized I seriously suck BIG TIME at being emphatic, I have poor listening skill and I almost ALWAYS forming perceptions and judgement despite trying very hard to stay unbiased. The whole paradigm shift thing whacked me with a bang.

It dawns upon me that I am so WRONG to think that I was right all along.

I wanted to go apologize, to undone the mistakes I had made onto him, her, to myself and maybe even you, who is reading this now....

But give me time, I need to gather myself together once more. Well, at least, you got to allow me to climb out of this abyss before I can get there.

Alright.. alright.. I am getting my butt moving already!

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