The Paradox

I remember I started blogging regularly when my memory kept failing me because of my addiction to sleeping pills and some anti-anxiety drug. I found blogging a good way to archive pieces of my life that I render worth remembering.

That had been some 5 or 6 years back. Now blogging has become a way of life for me, it is a mean for me to stay connected to my friends because my social life after 2 kids had been reduced to null. It was therapeutic to blog about adversities; it brought about a sense of deliverance. Blogging has remained as one of my best self-administrated psychotherapy, most importantly it is drug-free.

The years of blogging has brought about a good stream of readers to my 'explicit world'. I get an average of 100 hits per day but I can only relate to a very small fraction of these people because there have been only 21 identifiable person who follows my blog publicly. And add another dozen of my friends who told me they read my blog like some publication whenever they are free because it is entertainment at zero cost.

So until the day I die or stop blogging, which ever comes first, I wouldn't have really know who has been peeping into my life on a regular basis. At times, this mysteriousness intrigues the hell out of me.

Having said that, I am uncomfortable with the idea of having someone walking up to me, doing a revelation in the middle of a busy street. NO, although I maybe curious but I don't want that. Why? Because I think I am not diplomatic to handle such a situation. I am not ready. Not prepared. I suck at it, even to my own surprise.

When Laetitia's principle and one of my ex-boss told me that they read an entry from my blog, I lost my tongue to the cat, even though I was feeling quite honored. I hadn't expect them, person-of-authority, to care to read my silly blog. That instance, a sense of embarrassment overwhelmed me. Why the fuck? I don't understand why I felt that way, but I do. I think I need lesson/coaching to fix this before folks start suspecting that I ain't the writer of this blog, judging from my uneasiness.

I like the spike in traffic to my blog but it made me feel more exposed. It is paradoxical.

Recently, things started to get a little bit creepy for me. My best friend, L, told me that one day, her co-worker from another department whom she is not too chummy with, spoke to her about me, She told L that she reads my blog and it happened that I mentioned about L in one of my entry, that was how she knew L is my friend. WOooaaAH! I am that famous already?!?!

Then today, something made my skin crawled. I received a message in my FB's inbox from a stranger. This was how it goes:

Stranger : hey... r u still blogging? :)
Me : yes. stil blogging.
Stranger : icic... juz saw... anyway, mind adding me? haha.. if nt is ok.. :)
Me : sori, it is reserved for people whom i know as friends beyond the virtual world.
Stranger : oic.. understood... well..i tink i saw u b4 bt nv approached u... my eldest sis stays at 'The Warren' last time... saw u a couple times... wif ur baby

WOW!! I WAS TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!

Because whenever I bring my kids downstairs, I have NO makeup, wore T-shirt and shorts that I would normally wear to bed and my hair is like... some bird nest!! And there are times I probably have not even showered!! And this stranger can recognize me in that horrid state??!!

I do feel a little stalked with that message. Yes, I am no celebrity but still..... it doesn't feel too good to know that I was been watched, even though I am public about my private life.

Please. Do me a favour. Don't catch me when I am looking the worst of my worst. Don't "hi" me. Don't introduce yourself. Don't smile. Don't look at me. JUST WALK ON!

If you like what you read on this blog, just click the "FOLLOW" button and put a face to it. It would mean so much to me knowing who you are, in this civil and subtle manner. The button is at the right-hand side of the blog. Go find it.