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Tuesday, July 1

An Experienced Loser

I am an experienced loser. Not that I had always failed or not win, but more of the fact that I had lost many things in my life. Some were retrieved, most were gone forever.

In my memory, the earliest encounter I had with losing something was when I was four. I had a puppy, which I named "Maggie". She was simply a bundle of fur, I loved her, but I dropped her accidentally. A few days later, Maggie died. She was my first brush with LOST, & at the same time, death. Since then, I developed cognition to the complexity of emotions, brought about by LOST.

When I was nine, my parent’s marriage dissolved, and with it, I lost the completeness of my family. I hated to admit, but the experience of such LOST became the turning point of my life and had many implications that followed through me, until this very day.

I was very close to my grandmother. I always thought she was indispensable in my world. Without her, I will probably die. When I lost her to death caused by cancer; my world didn’t stop revolving, and I had went on to live, for many years that followed.

Losing my parents made me craved for the day when I can have my own home and set up my own family. When I lost the man who vowed to love me for eternity to another woman, I thought I might as well die. I tried, I failed, I survived the LOST.

Then I lost my sanity. And with medication and will-power, I fought and I regained. For once, I won, LOST lose.

And through and through, many things like love, money, people, etc.. had came and were gone, although some did return eventually, but that’s not important. That statement might had came across sounding insensitive & cynical. That’s my view for LOST. Yes, you can say that I am jaded, but it is much more than that.

I never thought how oxymoronic life was, until I had experienced the relief that came from the grief of LOST. I am not afraid to lose. But I am still crippled with anxiety, when I have to put up with the knowing of an impending LOST. That’s the most treacherous phase.

Death is inevitable. I acknowledged the fact that it remained as the one type of LOST, that I can never truly win. However, nothing can take away what I had possessed – that is the life that I had shared.

As long as I had lived my life the way I want, there is actually… nothing to lose!!

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