I had just sent Laetitia off to bed early and I had to take away her privilege of bedtime story as a punishment for throwing a horrendous tantrum that shouldn't had escalated in that way if I wasn't totally flustered.
And here I am with the 2 kids asleep; very alone and feeling very... very... I don't know how to describe but my heart just aches. It's excruciating.
This was what happen some 45 minutes ago....
Laetitia was in the bathtub whining and making senseless fuss over the littlest thing. I thought I better nip it in the bud before it turned into something out of proportion, so I stepped into the bathroom to give her a quick shower. She was screaming and kicking in protest, as though she was a fish out-of-water and caught on a hook!
After I dried her, she complained that her tummyache and asked for medicine. I felt suspicious about it because she was well a moment ago, plus she HATES taking medicines. Anyway I gave her the benefit of doubt and got her gripe water, which might help if she had wind in her stomach. She took a tiny sip, followed by a large mouthful when I urged her to finish up the spoonful of "medicine". The next second, she spit the gripe water all over herself and on me which I believed she did it in deliberation.
I yelled at her. She shrieked even louder than me. That moment, I just snapped. I lifted her up by her arms and threw her into the bathtub!
She continued to wail even when I carried her out from the tub and dried her up. She didn't stop wailing until she threw up her dinner. Ironically the puking ended it all.
It took us a short while to calm down; I apologized to her for losing my temper and for doing things that weren't very nice. And I got her to say sorry to me and my helper (she puked on part of my helper's bed).
Then we laid down on her mattress and talked for a while; I told her I love her and explained to her that I was mad at her partly because I was facing some tensions with planning our Oct's holiday and I had been feeling like a damn martyr because I was trying too hard to perfect the vacation, to accommodate everyone and to anticipate all potential obstacles when I am not the best planner to begin with.
As I spoke, tears ran down my cheeks. Laetitia looked at me emphatically and she wiped those tears off with her tiny hands. Then she rolled to her side and shut her eyes, after she mumbled, "Goodnight. Sweet dreams." My usual line when I tuck her into bed every night.
As I am typing this, I am so consumed by shame for having an outburst which spun so out of control. I felt really lousy about myself because I was unable to guard my own emotions. I allowed setbacks to get to me and I was such a reptile when I took it out on my own daughter.
From now, I have to remind myself to take it easy and not beat myself up to try to come up with an unbeatable all-inclusive trip. After all, Laetitia is only 33 months, not 33 years old; she will do just fine even if our trip was only to Sentosa.