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Wednesday, July 27

Negligence

I have been neglecting my blog for quite a while. Besides the fact that I have a crazily busy month filled with trainings, workshops and what not, I am tired.

I am tired. Not the physical exhaustion type which one can recuperate from sleep or rest.

I am tired of looking at my calendar and planning my life around work and home and still worrying if the balance is ever right.

I am tired of freaking myself out necessarily whenever my kids cough at night, worrying if I have made the wrong decision to take them off inhalers and throw them into the embrace of TCM.

I am tired of putting up with the fact that my mother has terminal cancer and fooling myself that she is able to survive anything now and forever.

I am tired to know that I have about ten thousand things to do on my next off day and none of them can be considered pleasant. (I have to go to the Indo Embassy to ask about my helper's home leave, get Leonitus jab for Pneumococcal, visit my gynaecologist, do the grocery shopping, visit the dentist for my wisdom tooth and I don't even know how to fill them all in within just one day.)

I am tired of trying to convince myself that the abnormality of my Pap Smear result must be something totally not serious. It's been so fucking nerve-wreaking but I choose not to tell anyone, up until now.

I am tired of fearing death. Not that I am afraid to die but I shiver whenever I imagine my kids grow up without a mother.

I am tired for knowing that I can do a million things that were right and all I need is to make just one mistake and judgement would rain on me all the same.

I am tired for I am unable to cry out loud to relieve myself because I refuse to be weak.

I am tired of neglecting myself for what seems like a very long time.

And I am sorry if I brought your mood down with this post but you know what? I am just too tired to care right now...

1 comment:

Ah mel said...

Take an urgent leave Now!!! U need a break. If can't, then I'll suggest an evening off alone. Get my hubby to help pls. When one is off the bearing, everything will look shitty.. Out of control. U r not alone, I am like this sometimes too. Just need to get ur bearing bk, u'll be all good. Take care ah cin... If u need a shoulder to lean on, I can lend u mine.

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