Choices

Mr Hubby flew off this morning for a 5-days business trip and I happened to be having a company dinner this evening. That leaves Laetitia home alone for very long hour with nobody but the maid.

When I reached home, it was almost 10.45pm, way past Laetitia's bedtime and she had already fallen asleep. I took one long look at my sleeping baby and can't help but felt consumed by guilt for not spending enough time with her.

And it came down really hard on me because I had been so caught up with my own work and life in the past week that I hadn't pay attention to the note penned by Laetitia's teacher informing me about today's early school dismissal. As a result, I didn't arrange for my maid to pick Laetitia up and my poor child must have gotten either panicky or frustrated or both, she cried while waiting for my maid to pick her up from the school bus. She doesn't usually cry when she rides on the school bus with her regular bus driver uncle and auntie, but today she had taken a different bus home due to the early dismissal.

When my maid told me about it, I felt like the world's worst mom.

Many times, the thought of quitting my job and staying at home to bring up my own kids flood my mind. On one hand, I like what I am doing, on the other, I hate to be a working mom. I asked myself why do I have to work. The answer seems to be "so as I can provide the BEST for my children." However I find myself unable to define the term "BEST for my children". Sometimes, I am convinced that it was only an excuse, a presentable one.

Am I doing all these so that I can get them a bigger house, a prestigious school, a life of comfort, a better chance in their future? Or am I depriving them of something natural, something simple, like a mother who can be there for them?

At times, I am confused. Life is about choices, about making the right choice, but what IS the RIGHT choice. I don't think I will ever have an answer to that.

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Laetitia, if you grow up reading this. Whatever I have done, did or gonna do.... just know that Mommy loves you.

My H1N1 Scare

Last 2 days past really quickly, maybe because I was sleeping most of the time. It was breakfast, medicine, sleep, lunch, medicine, sleep, dinner, medicine, sleep; very clockwork-like.

I remembered after I had my temperature taken at the clinic, the nurse handed me a mask and told me to put it on as I was running a temperature. After I had my consultation with the doctor, he immediately instructed his nurses to put on their masks. And at that instant, I realized that people in the clinic chose to stand when there were 2 seats available, to the right and left of me. Wasn't it obvious that they were avoiding me? At that moment, I felt as if there was a "BEWARE OF H1N1" sign stamped right across my forehead!

Being a preggy, I was discouraged to take Tamiflu, so doctor prescribe some "safe" drug for common cold and sent me back to "isolate" myself. He said something like, "If the fever persist after 2 days, please admit yourself into KK." Somehow I get the feeling that he don't want to see me ever. LOL! Maybe he is just as fearful of H1N1 as anybody else.

Well, the good new is, today is Day 3 and my fever has gone! I am feeling tired but very much better compared to the past 2 days. At least, I am up in the afternoon, typing this entry, so to hell with H1N1! You made me feel so discriminated!

What is that?

I cried when I watched this video. It reminded me that, as a parent I have to do what I have do, even though the outcome of my doing might not always be that endearing. That's perhaps the price of parenthood!

Like yesterday, I was with Laetitia at my cousin's baby shower. Laetitia was playing with one of the baby's toy and I repeatedly told her that the toy don't belongs to her and she can play with it but she can't have it.

When we were leaving, I was able to remove the toy from her peacefully and that amazed my aunt. She asked me how I managed to do it. I replied, "Ohhh.... All I have to do is to repeat myself, probably a thousand times and then pray that she will get it after the 1001th time."

My aunt thought I was joking. I wasn't.

Their Big Day

I was so thrilled to see my dearest bro walked down the aisle with his beloved wife, last Friday. I had always been proud of my kid bro and he has always been like a pal to me. Even now, when our lives are so busy, the tie that bind us together is still strong as steel.

Days before their wedding, my mom was vexing over choosing of auspicious date, venue of the dinner, tea ceremony and all those nitty gritty. I told her, "Come on, it takes so much more than a perfect wedding or an auspicious date to keep a marriage together. What matters are the days after the wedding, not the day of the wedding." She wised up and left the couple alone to plan for their big day.

If we can take those bit of the time and energy that were used to planned a perfect wedding and use that into our daily marital lives, I bet there would be a much lower divorce rate in this world. Oh shit! Why am I talk about the taboo word "divorce" when I am supposed to be blogging about the happy union. CHOY! CHOY! CHOY!

* slap my own bloody mouth.

What I want to say is: It's not an easy feat, staying married and being parents, but it had been the best thing that had happened to me! I hope it will also bring out the BEST in my bro and my sweet SIL.

One last word for those who are married. Always remember to count your blessings, no matter how big or small they seem. They are all important. :)

(Lovely pictures, courtesy of Hao.)