When I reached home, it was almost 10.45pm, way past Laetitia's bedtime and she had already fallen asleep. I took one long look at my sleeping baby and can't help but felt consumed by guilt for not spending enough time with her.
And it came down really hard on me because I had been so caught up with my own work and life in the past week that I hadn't pay attention to the note penned by Laetitia's teacher informing me about today's early school dismissal. As a result, I didn't arrange for my maid to pick Laetitia up and my poor child must have gotten either panicky or frustrated or both, she cried while waiting for my maid to pick her up from the school bus. She doesn't usually cry when she rides on the school bus with her regular bus driver uncle and auntie, but today she had taken a different bus home due to the early dismissal.
When my maid told me about it, I felt like the world's worst mom.
Many times, the thought of quitting my job and staying at home to bring up my own kids flood my mind. On one hand, I like what I am doing, on the other, I hate to be a working mom. I asked myself why do I have to work. The answer seems to be "so as I can provide the BEST for my children." However I find myself unable to define the term "BEST for my children". Sometimes, I am convinced that it was only an excuse, a presentable one.
Am I doing all these so that I can get them a bigger house, a prestigious school, a life of comfort, a better chance in their future? Or am I depriving them of something natural, something simple, like a mother who can be there for them?
At times, I am confused. Life is about choices, about making the right choice, but what IS the RIGHT choice. I don't think I will ever have an answer to that.
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Laetitia, if you grow up reading this. Whatever I have done, did or gonna do.... just know that Mommy loves you.
5 comments:
Cin, my heart sink as deep as yours when I read this... please don't blame yourself, you are no superwoman. I am really very proud of you since day 1 u became a Mom. Laetitia will definately know you love her very much. I am still trying to think how I can meet up with you and Laetitia...and I wanna meet u.Let me go figure my schedule out, I'll call u ok.
YESSSHHH!!!! Please bring Elliot & Emily to meet me. I wanna see them so much!
Hello LGM (Laetitia's great mummy :P)
Being a fulltime SAHM or working mum... either way it's never easy and filled with lots of hard times despite the joys our little ones bring. Hmm I've learnt over time not to beat myself up over lapses in the care of our little ones... cos we're all humans after all and such lapses are very common (erm at least for me bleah).
As for the choice between being a SAHM or working mum, I struggle lots with it too even after staying home for 2 years. While working mums often feel guilty abt not spending as much time as they hope to with their kids, SAHMs do have their own set of worries too... reduced income and social interaction aside, it is sad tht many people still have very low opinions of SAHMs. :(
But whatever the decision, I often feel that as long as you are at peace and happy with it and your heart is telling you that it is the right thing for yr kid's growing up... just go along with it. =) Remember it's never too late to stay home (for wrking mums) or rejoin the workforce (for SAHMs) if circumstances change or the need arise. Never mind what others are doing. You are doing great! :)
PS: Laetitia's really blossoming into a happy well-adjusted little lady! :) Well done mama... *pat pat*. ^_^
Mrs Porcupine (oops... sorry for the overly lor sor one cent worth of pointless thoughts... :S)
Thank you Mrs Porcupine for your words of encouragement. It's good to know that I am actually not a bad mommy. :))
Mommy, I love you too! Happy Mother’s Day! You are the best mom I could ever ask for.
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