When I reached home, it was almost 10.45pm, way past Laetitia's bedtime and she had already fallen asleep. I took one long look at my sleeping baby and can't help but felt consumed by guilt for not spending enough time with her.
And it came down really hard on me because I had been so caught up with my own work and life in the past week that I hadn't pay attention to the note penned by Laetitia's teacher informing me about today's early school dismissal. As a result, I didn't arrange for my maid to pick Laetitia up and my poor child must have gotten either panicky or frustrated or both, she cried while waiting for my maid to pick her up from the school bus. She doesn't usually cry when she rides on the school bus with her regular bus driver uncle and auntie, but today she had taken a different bus home due to the early dismissal.
When my maid told me about it, I felt like the world's worst mom.
Many times, the thought of quitting my job and staying at home to bring up my own kids flood my mind. On one hand, I like what I am doing, on the other, I hate to be a working mom. I asked myself why do I have to work. The answer seems to be "so as I can provide the BEST for my children." However I find myself unable to define the term "BEST for my children". Sometimes, I am convinced that it was only an excuse, a presentable one.
Am I doing all these so that I can get them a bigger house, a prestigious school, a life of comfort, a better chance in their future? Or am I depriving them of something natural, something simple, like a mother who can be there for them?
At times, I am confused. Life is about choices, about making the right choice, but what IS the RIGHT choice. I don't think I will ever have an answer to that.
Laetitia, if you grow up reading this. Whatever I have done, did or gonna do.... just know that Mommy loves you.